I wanna write about something I've been thinking about and what, inevitably, you all read this blog for-- relationship shit.
Or hmmmm, not relationship- not any former relationshits... how about love?
So let me update you on my love life...
From about June- August I had been in this weird purgatory transition place of my life where I was in-between past, present and future.
I was prepping to leave Philly but... I was still living there. And because I was leaving I was actively looking to not get involved with anyone. To be honest with you this was harder than I had anticipated. Not necessarily with love interests but just getting to know people was hard. I was conflicted with do I spend time with someone I just met or do I cling and cherish the time I have with the people I love? I opted to do a bit of both and I'm glad I did. It's important to stay in the moment. If I meet and vibe with someone I am not going to cut off the moment because of what is 'suppose to happen in the future'. I am a big believer in never having nevers. You don't know what tomorrow is going to hand you. I met one of my now best friends in the past couple of months I was in Philly and had I not been open to life I wouldn't have.
Back at the start of the new year I made a resolution to fucking enjoy being single and capitalize on the freedom that comes along with it. While exploring my independence I, uh... decided to move to Colorado!
I am happy moving the way life is guiding me. I feel that it is me and my higher power making these choices and I am lucky enough to have good friends and family that support me.
But so what I am saying is I essentially moved to Colorado to be young and single. Then I was in Philly trying to appreciate being single before that. And well now I have been proactively single for so long I am well... I am fucking lonely.
But it's not like I am just craving physical attention. It's like I just want love.
And it's like I am getting to do all these cool fun awesome things and I almost feel selfish about it. Like I am the only one getting to enjoy this life. I don't want to be married, but it would be really nice to have someone to share things with.
I am really good at being independent. It is a skill I will never lose and of course continue to develop, I really think there isn't anything I can't do alone but sometimes I just don't want to do certain things alone.
I haven't had real feelings/ been big time involved with someone for like three years now... Even saying that a huge sigh escapes from my body. But for the past three years I have been working my ass of. I have been building a beautiful life for myself and getting happier and happier with who I am and more comfortable with who I want to be.
I have, of course, through these past three years learned a lot about myself and about what I want. I have realized that, yes, yes, yes, you need to love yourself. But I have also found that you need to truly and deeply believe that there is love out there for you to receive. More than you are worthy, but that you can achieve. I guess this goes along with the laws of attraction...
But the major thing I have learned about myself is that it is one thing for me to say something and it is another for me to achieve. I am not a surface level person I feel deeply and that feeling that a person exists for me is hard for me to nail down. I guess as they say, fake it until you make it!
Literally my least favorite saying in AA.... And I quote a lot of sayings... Just ask Samantha Morgan... <3 nbsp="" p="">
But I have become more comfortable with myself and being true to who I am. I think there was a time when I hid behind sexuality and society. When I was 16 I still hadn't kissed anyone and a group of my friends forced me to make out with some random guy my age at a dance. It was horrible and disgusting. MAYBE THAT IS WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG. I also lost my virginity in a black out. All of my sexual experiences were things I thought I had to be doing. Not expressions of love in anyway. I always felt there was something I had to live up to. Finally, two years after being sober I took my choices back.
Openly saying what I am looking for right now is connection and some form of love is not scary to me. It's funny because I still feel like I get weird looks sometimes saying that and it clear it makes some people uncomfortable. It's just what I want. And what I now know I deserve.
For so many of the past months I had been actively looking to not get in a relationship and now that I'm in my new space and getting the lay of the land I feel I am just looking at every male I meet like, "maybe your my soulmate?!? "
It's like one extreme to the next... AYE.
A good way of summing up everything I am saying is in raps how some artists are like, "Ya I fucked that bitch made the pussy purple." And then you have rappers Usher and NeYo who are like, "Let me love you."
You can't let society tell you what you want and you can't be afraid to let love come into your life.
There was this guy I had a thing with while I was out getting high yeeeeears back. I had feelings for him like I never had in my life but it was a doomed relationship. Because I was a kid, I was afraid to be in my head and my body. It's so hard for me to look back at relationships because I felt so deeply but I am sure no one ever knew that I was involved with because I had such a hard time speaking for myself.
The blog I wrote a couple of years ago about a break up I had was some of the most honest writing I have ever done in my life and you know what? It helped me to move forward in that direction. Over the past, I'd say two years, I have had some weird and short lived relationships but I have been able to be very clear about that none of it was what I ultimately wanted.
I am still so happy to be carefree and single! And I am so excited about the future I have ahead of me even in the next few weeks. But I am not afraid to say I am looking for love. Whether it's a night of romance or my soul mate love is the goal.