Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Not Him 2016.

One day my children will ask me where I was and what I was doing on this day...

I was watching CNN and slowly panicking, kids.
Yesterday, I wrote "I don't know what the future holds for me" today I write the same thing in a more dire status.

I am frightened. I am astonished. I am outraged.
"one of the most stunning upsets in America's history"

I have listened and watch CNN for the past several hours as numbers roll across the screen determining the future of america.

I sit here now with a prayer candle lit and a crystal beside me hoping that this election is not over. It is 12:13 MT and the election is still up in the air but it is in favor of Donald Trump, there is no doubt about that.

I haven't recently had much to write about, I also stated in my previous post, but right now my fingers are typing faster than my thoughts are going.

I refuse to live in a world where Donald Trump is president of the United States. I am a 26 year old white female, who works two jobs and still lives at the poverty level because I am a full time volunteer making a government stipend.

I don't just talk about politics because it is fun lively conversation. I sit face to face with America's poverty every day and the people who work so hard to alleviate it. For the past three years this is what I have dedicated my life to... Making America great again. I believe Donald Trump does nothing to make America great and I honestly think he embodies everything that is currently wrong with this country. He talks about how rich greed has taken over the white house, but he is white privilege. He is a two faced bully.  He has no political experience whatsoever.

I am so tired of people weighing in on politics who in their day to day lives don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Or the people who went and helped out one time in Africa so they care about things and are a good person....

Like I said, I'm a 26 year old white woman. I don't have much to fear with the outcome of this election. I don't worry about getting shot, or deported, or having a wall built that blocks me from my family. I do have to worry about men thinking it is ok to degrade women and thinking it's not a big enough deal to not get you elected to president. I am 26 years old and I thought I might get to see the first female president. Now I have to fear being a female which has already caused me so many insecurities that many men will never know or understand. And now my right to choose what happens with my body may get taken away from me to, so I have that to fear as well.

It takes years of hard work to build anything, let alone an empire, but it takes two seconds to knock something down. I have spent 4 and a half years working on not taking a drink of alcohol and one shot of vodka would ruin all of that. Donal Trump is recovery's one shot of vodka.

I don't want this for the children of tomorrow. I don't want this for my god daughter, the girls I babysit, my little cousins, the children at my schools.

It's not fucking funny and it's really serious.
BBC News just said, "Welcome to the Twilight zone."

So what's next, we get Mexico to build a wall?

If I am as upset about this as a white female who comes from an upper middle class white family... I can't imagine how the people feel that are deeply affected by this.

I refuse to accept this person as my president. He is everything I am against. I hope I am not alone in my passion for not allowing this person to destroy this great nation.

America I do dabble in tarot cards but let me tell you, I don't need a fucking crystal ball to tell you that shit is about to hit the fucking fan. And honestly, at this point I am ready to go. Per my experience white middle school boys I am really good at discipling and yelling, so if I need to back hand some fellow Americans I accept the challenge. 

Monday, November 7, 2016

I Miss you and I Love you

Truth- I have fallen into a deep dark reality TV hole and it has stopped me from writing.
I am currently watching the Vanderpump Rules Reunion after watching the whole season... Sorry. I'm. Not. Sorry.
but like I am sorry for neglecting my writing.

My two guilty pleasures currently are Bravo TV after work and listening to Sam Hunt while driving to Denver on the weekends....
Who am I?!

Writing is a practiced skilled. If you don't do it everyday it's hard to stay in the habitual motion of getting your thoughts on to paper. I definitely send emails everyday? And I write reports? So like I am writing? But no not really. I definitely know the past year has not been my best in tending to my blog and I hope to do better.

Obviously I do have a lot of things I could be writing about.

The transition from Philly City girl to Rural Northern Colorado country girl has been interesting...
I love it and I hate it.

I love the mountains. I don't have a skyline with tall buildings anymore but on a clear day I can see the snow capped Rocky Mountains perfectly defined, which is uh... pretty fricken cool. I am constantly driving around totally mesmerized.

I live in kind of a weird part of Colorado. I'm in Northern Colorado and it probably isn't the landscape you think of when you think of CO.  I don't live in the mountains, I live in straight cow town. It literally wreaks of cow shit on certain days throughout the whole county... Like it's know for being smelly.

It's mostly flat and I live about an hour from any mountains. But it's super cheap to live here and I am in a very central location. About an hr to both Boulder and Denver and 30 minutes to Fort Collins.

Aside from the aesthetics it's been a big change. I know everything about Philly. I can get anywhere on my bike in 15 minutes or less, on my own, without getting lost. I know all the bars and clubs I like to go to and when is the good nights to go to them. I know all the neighborhoods and I have at least one friend in each section. HERE I barely know the layout of my own town, Denver continues to baffle me, and I don't even have a bike anymore. It's not unusual to drive a total of four hours in a weekend.

It's exciting to be exploring a new place. I feel like I've gotten to know my small town well, I can get to the store I need to without a GPS or anything. Some parts of Denver I have a good understanding of whats where but Denver  is confusing to me. It's super big and it doesn't need to be. Sometimes I look around and I'm like the only person on the street which is SO BIZARRE to me coming from Philadelphia.

The thing that is probably the most difficult is not living super close to any of my friends anymore. Luckily I moved to a state where I knew I would know a lot of people. I came here on my own and by myself but I have a good amount of friends who live around here which is great. But a lot of the people who live here I hadn't seen in yearsss. I have changed so much in the past four years alone and I know my friends have too so it's like getting to know my friends all over again. But that's going really well and it's been great catching up with everyone.

However, in the past four years I made some fucking awesome friends in Philly and I miss them so so so much. Now I can't only drive to them but I'm not even in the same fucking time zone. It's just difficult. I made the best fucking friends in Philly I CAN.NOT.EVEN

And sometimes it's like really shitty. I have luckily only broken down crying twice at home alone and once at a meeting. I just wish I could have brought all of my friends here with me.

Honestly- Because I haven't been writing a lot lately it's hard to harness what I really want to say about life right now.

Colorado is definitely my next chapter, only time will tell how long I will actually be here and what the future has in store for me.

I think back to three years ago when I was living in my first apartment in Philly, and really my first apartment on my own again. Moving into that apartment I didn't know what was in store for me. I pray and hope I am not in for as much heartache and pain that year brought me. It was a whirlwind.
Life still is a whirlwind but because of all the craziness that has happened in the past few years, this year has been smooth sailing.

Colorado, let's see what you have to offer.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

You Can't Be Afraid to Let Love Come Into Your Life #NoRegrets

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have so much I could write about me moving to Colorado and running around like a gypsy with her wagon cut off. I haven't stayed home a full day since I got here... But I have more important things to say! DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

I wanna write about something I've been thinking about and what, inevitably, you all read this blog for-- relationship shit.

Or hmmmm, not relationship- not any former relationshits... how about love?

So let me update you on my love life...

From about June- August I had been in this weird purgatory transition place of my life where I was in-between past, present and future.

I was prepping to leave Philly but... I was still living there. And because I was leaving I was actively looking to not get involved with anyone. To be honest with you this was harder than I had anticipated. Not necessarily with love interests but just getting to know people was hard. I was conflicted with do I spend time with someone I just met or do I cling and cherish the time I have with the people I love? I opted to do a bit of both and I'm glad I did. It's important to stay in the moment. If I meet and vibe with someone I am not going to cut off the moment because of what is 'suppose to happen in the future'. I am a big believer in never having nevers. You don't know what tomorrow is going to hand you. I met one of my now best friends in the past couple of months I was in Philly and had I not been open to life I wouldn't have.

Back at the start of the new year I made a resolution to fucking enjoy being single and capitalize on the freedom that comes along with it. While exploring my independence I, uh... decided to move to Colorado!
No regrets.

I am happy moving the way life is guiding me. I feel that it is me and my higher power making these choices and I am lucky enough to have good friends and family that support me.
But so what I am saying is I essentially moved to Colorado to be young and single. Then I was in Philly trying to appreciate being single before that. And well now I have been proactively single for so long I am well... I am fucking lonely.

But it's not like I am just craving physical attention. It's like I just want love.
And it's like I am getting to do all these cool fun awesome things and I almost feel selfish about it. Like I am the only one getting to enjoy this life. I don't want to be married, but it would be really nice to have someone to share things with.
I am really good at being independent. It is a skill I will never lose and of course continue to develop, I really think there isn't anything I can't do alone but sometimes I just don't want to do certain things alone.

I haven't had real feelings/ been big time involved with someone for like three years now... Even saying that a huge sigh escapes from my body. But for the past three years I have been working my ass of. I have been building a beautiful life for myself and getting happier and happier with who I am and more comfortable with who I want to be.
No regrets.

I have, of course, through these past three years learned a lot about myself and about what I want. I have realized that, yes, yes, yes, you need to love yourself. But I have also found that you need to truly and deeply believe that there is love out there for you to receive. More than you are worthy, but that you can achieve. I guess this goes along with the laws of attraction...
But the major thing I have learned about myself is that it is one thing for me to say something and it is another for me to achieve. I am not a surface level person I feel deeply and that feeling that a person exists for me is hard for me to nail down. I guess as they say, fake it until you make it!
Literally my least favorite saying in AA.... And I quote a lot of sayings... Just ask Samantha Morgan... <3 nbsp="" p="">

But I have become more comfortable with myself and being true to who I am. I think there was a time when I hid behind sexuality and society. When I was 16 I still hadn't kissed anyone and a group of my friends forced me to make out with some random guy my age at a dance. It was horrible and disgusting. MAYBE THAT IS WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG. I also lost my virginity in a black out. All of my sexual experiences were things I thought I had to be doing. Not expressions of love in anyway. I always felt there was something I had to live up to. Finally, two years after being sober I took my choices back.
Openly saying what I am looking for right now is connection and some form of love is not scary to me. It's funny because I still feel like I get weird looks sometimes saying that and it clear it makes some people uncomfortable. It's just what I want. And what I now know I deserve.

For so many of the past months I had been actively looking to not get in a relationship and now that I'm in my new space and getting the lay of the land I feel I am just looking at every male I meet like, "maybe your my soulmate?!? "
It's like one extreme to the next... AYE.

A good way of summing up everything I am saying is in raps how some artists are like, "Ya I fucked that bitch made the pussy purple." And then you have rappers Usher and NeYo who are like, "Let me love you."

You can't let society tell you what you want and you can't be afraid to let love come into your life. 

There was this guy I had a thing with while I was out getting high yeeeeears back. I had feelings for him like I never had in my life but it was a doomed relationship. Because I was a kid, I was afraid to be in my head and my body. It's so hard for me to look back at relationships because I felt so deeply but I am sure no one ever knew that I was involved with because I had such a hard time speaking for myself.
The blog I wrote a couple of years ago about a break up I had was some of the most honest writing I have ever done in my life and you know what? It helped me to move forward in that direction. Over the past, I'd say two years, I have had some weird and short lived relationships but I have been able to be very clear about that none of it was what I ultimately wanted. 

I am still so happy to be carefree and single! And I am so excited about the future I have ahead of me even in the next few weeks. But I am not afraid to say I am looking for love. Whether it's a night of romance or my soul mate love is the goal. 
No regrets.