Monday, August 24, 2015

Gab's Oh So Bad Terrible Day

Today is the start of the last week of the summer, which always makes me feel weird.

The beginning of summer is so exciting, the end most people hate...

But, I am not a child anymore... And the end of summer this year, marks that everyone else will be back to work, just like I have been all summer. So, no complaints there.
I am sad that I can't really go to the beach anymore and that it will get cold.
But like... TBH I like the cold and sweaters.

I am not sad to see this summer go. It has been sweet. Like a sugar cookie sweet. Nothing really special, but sweet.

But driving with your two best friends in all black to Virginia for a funeral for your other best friend, is not really a summer to be highlighted in tan skin and innocence.

Today started out great and turned into terrible.

It was an easy Sunday, it started out perfect. Early morning walk, coffee with my roomie and dog. Hung out with my family and got to spend some very good quality time with my brother and sister.

But then I got hit by a bullet basically halfway through the day. A cannon of emotion.

I have been spending the weekend with my dog Bevin, who is my life. As I look at her now I could not describe a more perfect, loyal, sweet animal. She, more than anything else on this planet, my everything. She is like my child but at the same time is an old lady. A very old lady.
And as I write this I am tearing up because she looks different. She looks like I might be losing her.
And she has done this to me before! She's made me think she was on her last leg and she wasn't. So I can't tell if she's tricking me or if she is as frail as she appears.
But I can't lose her.
And I know people don't leave until they are suppose to but I can't. It will be too much. The tipping point on my rocked ship.

I just can't.

I cried all night long holding her. Praying that she doesn't leave soon. Losing Jasper and Sam has been hard enough.

A day does not go by that I do not think about Sam and her family. It's still hard to think that the world is moving and she is not. I pray for her mother every night.
They say that when a young soul passes they come right back to earth. I know Sam is here. I see her and feel her everywhere. I don't search for meaning in her death because I know she is now safe and no longer suffering. But than to think she's not here and progressing with life and living is really fucking hard.

I have break downs here and there.
Earlier I was saying to my mom, "Why are these bad things happening?" She said, "Gab, they are sad. Not bad, sad."

Now as I write about the end of all these things it does feel that summer is over. I feel that closing and Fall creeping in. And it's so hard to not feel sad.

It's my birthday week, did you know? Which has always been weird, but like could there be a more perfect end to summer than the celebration of me?

I have to take a second and thank God for the people in my life. Tonight I was held in loving arms and told how strong I am by people who know me best. I am happy I have people who I can get snot on their shirts and others I can call at any hour, day or night.

I wish a bad day was scraping your knee and having a boo boo. That's not life anymore.
As I was crying on the phone talking to my mom I was looking in the mirror. I hardly recognize myself.
I am an adult.

I am not the girl who started this blog. With long brown hair and lost eyes.
I am now a woman, and I think I have been for a long time.

I don't understand how life works but I am doing the best I can. All things considered I am doing a pretty good. I have career goals, a job I love and I am working very hard at it.
I am sober and grateful and it has made me into the most perfect version of myself.

But I have been ugly crying all night.
me to a T, bipolar and all. 

I have been working so fucking much. And you know what? That's life. People bust their ass every goddamn day. It's just fascinating to me that this is who I am now. I am someone who doesn't really stop.
Whereas a couple of years ago I had a very difficult struggle with getting out of bed.
It's a good change, but balance is lacking.
I am stressing myself, and everyone around me the fuck out.
I am constantly on edge trying to prepare for the next catastrophe that will bring hell upon my life.

One thing I have done a very good job at is getting rid of toxic and horrible people from my life. I have realized that life is short. I do not need to waste energy on people who don't care about my well being or have the same priorities I do.

Every now and then we need to recalibrate. I am beginning that now. I am going to bring balance back into my life and take a break when I need to.
Because I can't keep holding it in and exploding.
My eyes and face hurt from crying. Time to ask for help.
And you know what? My eye lashes are permed so my crying... isn't actually that ugly. #treatyoself




Let it go

Welcome to Mid 20s. 

Thursday, August 6, 2015

She was an Amazing Person in all Aspects

I have a good amount of friends. I have friends that have come and gone out of my life for one reason or another. Some of the people I have known, and consider my friends, have left profound impacts on my life, whether currently they are in them or not.

Today I lost a friend to the disease of addiction.

Some of the strongest relationships I have were formed at a place that left a profound impact on my life, Camp Tockwogh. If you have known me for a while, you have heard me talk about camp. About the many memories I have acquired there and the friends I have gathered along the way. A lot of these people have come in and out of my life, but left lasting impressions.
A few of these people are still in my life today, whether they never left my side or the universe returned them to me.

One of my best friends from camp, and in life, was Samantha Devers. Deevers, as many called her, was basically a sister to me.

I knew of Sam before I knew her as Deevers, or Deevs. At one time I knew her as the Tockwogh Barbie, because she looked so much like the popular mattel doll. But to be honest with you, she was more drop dead gorgeous than a plastic Barbie, inside and out.

I finally met and got to know Sam in the summer of 2008. We were put into the same cabin third session. I was a "junior counselor" and she was a C.I.T., counselor in training. It was a weird dynamic because just a week before she arrived at camp I was previously a C.I.T. but because the camp was wildly understaffed they asked my group of C.I.T.'s to stay on as "junior counselors". A position was made up so that the camp could have non-paid staff... Hey, we were honored.

When Sam and I were put together in the cabin I made an effort to not have it be an awkward situation, since we were the same age but not exactly equal. (Sorry if this is confusing because you are not a camp kid. You should have begged your parents to go to Tockwogh.)

I remember very specifically (and possibly my favorite memory with Sam) one night we were stuck in the cabin for a long time together because of a thunder storm, I think the power might have gone out because I know we had flash lights, and we basically shared our lives stories to date. We were 17. and had so many commonalities. This is when I really met Sam. She became my friend.
Some friendships you just know will last forever. There are certain people you click with and have a deep connection.
Sam was one of these people.

We weren't really super close after that, because she was doing C.I.T. things and I the J.C. things.

the night we fell in love.
The next summer we were staff. This is a big deal, in the camp world. A big, big deal.
Me and my two other camp bffs, Rita and Carly, showed up to camp at the end of the first week of training and the beginning of the first weekend of camp. Which entailed a large party, but it also required us to get to this party, from MD- PA...
Rita, Carly, and I were, basically assigned to Sam's car. She didn't know us that well and we kinda knew her.
After that car ride and that night, which I don't know if I can really tell/ reveal what happened...or remember... we were friends forever.
Countless nights that summer were spent in that car. Too many things happened in that car... I threw up on Rita and Carly to Taylor Swift in that car...

After that summer we were all extremely close... I was also fired because of my drinking escapades... but that is for another time. And to be honest, she was there for me 100% through that.

Sam came to my house a couple of years for thanksgiving and my family fell in love with her. People were always falling in love with Sam. She was so easy to love. She was an amazing human being.

The past year Samantha and I had been living together. And it was really rough. From the time Sam moved in things were not the same as when we were kids at camp.
And I knew they weren't going to be, but I didn't realize how serious things were.

I got sober in March 2012. Right before I gave up drinking and drugging, I was in constant contact with Sam because she was going through a lot. She would call me incredibly upset about things that were going on with her. Sam's drug use had gotten way out of hand before mine did. She was court ordered to rehab, which was a good thing because it got her sober.

Getting sober, going from constantly fucked up and denying life, to dealing with life, is debatably the hardest thing a person has to do (if they have to do it).
It was easy for Sam and me to relate because we were going through a lot of the same things.

Sam always knew she was susceptible to becoming an addict. She had told me this early on. She was very wary of drugs when we were younger. But like all addicts, it snuck into her life.
There are people I could blame for Sam's path but ultimately, she was bound to walk it one way or another.

When Sam told me she wanted to live with me in Philly last year, I was beyond excited. I could not think of a better roommate.
But like I said, I didn't realize things were they way they were.

Sam was always a bit of a mystery. I think that's one of the reasons people fell so in love with her all the time. Because there was so much to know about her and so many things to find out about her.
But I quickly started to realize things were not right in our house.
Signs of her using started popping up and I began begrudgingly putting them together. I did not want to solve this mystery because I knew what the answer was. I knew Sam was using.

Although this year was rough, I still got to live with Sam. I got to spend time with one of my best friends. And I am happy she was living with me and not somewhere else.

I wish I could go back and wrap her in my arms and never let her go. And make her tell me all the truths to all the mysteries so we could work them out together. I wish I could have saved her. Or helped even more in some way, shape or form.

What happened to Sam is tragic. She was not her disease, it over took her and made her something she wasn't for along time and it's not fair. I don't like people knowing her as that, thinking that was her, because it wasn't. That is not who she was.

Samantha Devers was a dancer, a pilot, a sailor, a caregiver, an academic, a hard worker, caring, understanding, an amazing listener, sweet, fierce, unique, kind, an incredible friend, so so so easy to get along with, and so so many other things.

She was an amazing person in all aspects. And I will forever love her.

I will again emphasize this year was past year was rough. It was one of the hardest things, for both Sam and I, I'm sure.
Having to see your best friend suffer daily is horrible but being in love with something that will ultimately kill you is worse.

No one choose this life, Samantha definitely did not. She did not choose to have this predisposition. People who don't grapple with addiction can not comprehend how difficult this thing is to beat.

But I will not remember Sam that way. I will not see her as her disease, ever, because she was so so much more. I will remember the girl who I clicked with in the cabin late at night, while telling each other about how much we hated our all girls schools under flash lights, and we longed for something more.
That is who will forever live on in my heart, because that is who she was.

She dealt with the situation.

my angel.

Those of us who have walked through hell, know that heaven is real. 
Rest easy. Love you, Mean it.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Feeling Almost 25.

Sitting on a bus to New York, reading just kids, listening to the classic Led Zeppelin II, in my overalls and red hot chili peppers shirt, from my youthful days of concerts with parents, where the smell of weed was something of curiosity rather than familiarity. It is times like this when I really know who I am. This is me and I am so happy with who I am. 

Recently, I've heard it said that, "these are the best times of your life." [your 20s]
We've heard this throughout our lives. High school is suppose to be exciting, then college is anxiously awaited. But I was never really told about my 20s....
If you had told me that my 20s were going to be the time of my life two years ago... I probably would have cried hysterically because of how miserable I was, but now... I do feel like it.
College was the beginning of the best years of my life.  It was an eye opening time. A time to learn about life, to be young and dumb and try and begin to figure myself out.

side note- high school... No. Nope, definitely not the best years of my life. Closet depression was in full swing and although I appeared to the public very happy I most definitely was not. Nothing in life made any sense. 

"If I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life, remind me to kill myself." Yup. Well said Floyd. 

My early twenties were a mismatch of good times and terrible, terrible bad times. And although my experience is unique, I feel this happens to all of us. We have our early twenties crisis. For some people it happens earlier and others later. Luckily for me it happened pretty early.  

I went through the what the fuck period. What the fuck is my twenties ? What the fuck am I doing with my life ? What the fuck is life ?
I pondered all of this and I figured some shit out. Mostly I figured out... this is it baby! This is the time to live life. I am totally an adult. I can drive to New York at 10pm at night from New Jersey and not tell my mother. Which, of course, I could do at a younger age but now it's like I have full responsibility for my life and my actions. I go to jail, I deal with it. My parents still pay for a few things here and there and I'm super greatful- which is something else I've figured out too- be grateful- but ultimately I'm making my own decisions. 

And I'm not really lost anymore. 
Which is pretty fucking cool to say.
I don't know the future, contrary to my own previous beliefs, I'm not psychic-although I do have good intuition. I know what I want. I know who I am and who I want to be. 
And goddamn, it this is the time! Like early twenties sucked but 25-29 is gonna be bitching! I'm dating men, I can tell a man from a boy. I'm traveling. I'm working towards my career. I know my city like the back of my hand and I know where my next city will be. 

I don't know about you Taylor swift... but I'm feeling almost 25. 

And just for a minute I want to touch on something to all my ladies- stop spending this time searching for a husband, if that is what you are doing, Stop doing THAT! f you happened to have stumbled upon on that is so great and I am so happy for you, but what I'm trying to say is capitalize on this time. Be present in the moment and don't get ahead of yourself, not right now. 

One day (if what you want is to be married) that will happen and you will be changing diapers and you will be wanting to murder your significant other and you will be thinking WHAT HAPPENED TO MY YOUTH?! And you will look in the mirror and be like I'm so old!! WAH. 
Put yourself in that right now.

Picture yourself ten years from now.


Wishing you were 20something ... 

Now come back to reality.
You are here now. Make the most of your life and you're time YOUNG AND FREE. 

I'm not saying don't fall in love or hide from love, absolutely love! That is part of life... But stop worrying about what is suppose to be and JUST BE. 

And to all of those mommies and daddies out there, cherish your time with your littles as much as you can because they are the young ones and before you know it they will be large and definitely in charger so squish them and keep them young, but please don't spoil them... Too much. 

So, yabbers, enjoy life today. For it is a gift that is why we call it the present.