I think my make up is just to go all in or not at all. What's the point of getting wet if I'm not gonna get soaked? Why have one drink when I can get plastered in 15 minutes ? Why hangout with someone a couple of times when we both know we just want to have sex?
Ok, let's talk about that last one-
I had dinner with my mom last night and at one point she was just like, " I wish [relationships] weren't so complicated for you." Sigh.
Thanks, me too.
It 100% is because I over analyzed life. I mean, let's be real what aspect of my life, that should be simple have I not complicated? I can't eat food or drink correctly, so when it comes to other people obviously I screw that up a lot...
Now, I'm analyzing the idea of "taking it slow". . .
Even as I write that sentence I'm like, "Du Fuq?"
I just want someone to explain it to me. I don't get it.
My therapist tried to explain it like this-
"Think about a faucet, you want the water running- you don't want it totally shut off- but you don't want it flooding. So you want like a gentle stream."
Metaphors are helpful to me so this makes some sense.
Flooding and turning the faucet off I have done.
A couple of years ago the sink was closed for business. I had a big DO NOT ENTER SIGN and the gates were closed. Let me tell you, no one was getting in. And for good reason, I had my own personal shit to deal with.
But then the gates opened again, and it was just zero to 100 real quick....
And now I have PTSD from last year's string of literal nut jobs... 2015 was by far my worst year men. Or best year with finding the wrong men... Actually that's a total lie. 2008-2012 was just as bad.
I just have the world's track record. Or best track record for picking horrible men.
" I wish [relationships] weren't so complicated for you." Sigh.
So now, I don't know, I'm trying to be more conscious. The first step in correcting any behavior is being self-aware. So recognizing where I have fucked up is the first step...I guess.
I haven't really asked for comments or anything in a long time. Usually I come to a resolution myself through writing about things that baffle me, with this not so much.
If anyone has any way to truly make sense of the topic taking it slow- really in any aspect of life- comment somewhere and let me know. I would love to hear other people's opinions on this topic. Let me hear what you think about this...
BUT... I just had this revelation,
I am so uncomfortable right now in life because I am trying to do this [take it slow] with every aspect of my life.
I am really happy for the first time in a long time because I am slowing the gears down.
The past year my life has been a traumatic roller coaster ride with extremely low lows. And then quick fleeting highs. I haven't fully sustained myself in a while. It's been constant damage control, all the time. I have worked extra hard during the week, 12 hour days, only to go out with my friends dancing until 3-5am on the weekends. I have gone into fight or flight mode- choosing fight, but it's been hard to get out of that routine.
Slowing things down- like everything- might be my solution to my constant search of balance.
Balance isn't something you just instantly achieve. It doesn't just randomly show up, like most things in life. It takes work, effort and maintenance.
And I always know when I am uncomfortable, I am growing.
It's never really dawned on me until just now though, that balance takes effort. I thought balance would just come to me... but that is not the case.
I am taking life slowly. One thing at a time. Life is no longer flight or fight and I don't have to just coast. I can put in effort in everything I do.
As much as I agree that, ""Life is an endless series of train-wrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness." I think there is a possiblity to find peace in the moments of happiness. And by creating moderation for yourself you get longer commercial breaks
And let me tell you it's painful sometimes. Being uncomfortable is so uncomfortable. I want to crawl out of my skin.
I want to send that text, I want to spend all of my money right away, I want to fill every ounce of my time with doing things, I want to travel and I don't want to leave.
I WANNA DO IT ALL.
But that's not the pace we are going at.
Don't pigeon hole yourself, is my biggest take away. Take a step back, realize the bigger picture and retract your impulses.
Hey, Yab? It sounds like your growing onwards and upwards.