Thursday, October 5, 2017

So I Left...

I feel like my blog has become a whiny teenage diary...I guess that's what it always was anyway. aaayolo.

Moving away from Philly has been really hard. I didn't leave Philadelphia because I hated it. I wasn't pushed out because I was uncomfortable. I didn't leave because I wanted to. I left because I had to. I had to for myself.

I am a really selfless person. I am comfortable saying that because other people have told me it's true. I was in AmeriCorps for 3 years... Yes I was finding myself but I also feel in love with helping other people. I am not boosting or trying to brag. I am by no means a martyr but I am an empath and I deeply care about other people. In fact sometimes, a lot of the time, I take on other people's problems. This can definitely get in the way of my own life and sacrifice my own happiness.

Leaving Philadelphia was a selfish thing I did for me. Sometimes it's important to be selfish. You have to put yourself first once in a while-- I actually have to constantly be reminded of this.

Self-care is really important. It's hard not to take home the work struggles I encounter. In all lines of work you should really be taking care of yourself to not burn out, but especially working with at-risk youth. On top of it I work a lot of 9+ hour days and when I come home I have to take care of me. Oh and I have two jobs. One full time and one part time.

I have really been struggling with this. Moving from Greeley to Denver has been tough with the change of pace, but moving from Pennsylvania to Colorado has been a lot to deal with this past year. It's  made me question a lot of things.

Life has still continued to turn in Philly, surprisingly enough... Life continues on whether I am there or not. I have had to deal with a lot of shit happening home while I have been miles away.

And of course the grass is always greener on the other side...

Right now I wish I was in Philly but if I was there I probably would not be happy.

I left Philadelphia because I saw people never leave. I couldn't talk shit on people spending their whole existence in Philly when I was doing the same thing... So I left.

I took a leap. I pulled the trigger. I actually did it. And you know what? I don't know when I will be back.

It took me over 20 years to fit in in Philly. It took me less than 10 months to find a life in Colorado.

I go home almost once a month now and it's really hard. It's like constantly getting back together with an ex. I see all the good things and not the bad. I start to romanticize. The reality of the situation is I would not be happy or satisfied there. It's not my city anymore. It will always be home but I don't belong there right now.  Taking a risk sometimes involves feeling things you don't anticipate. Part of experiencing life is living and feeling all of it. Pain included.

It's really hard to say I don't know when I'll be back because there are people I love in that city. I wish I could transport them here. The fact is I am here and they are there. That is the now.

I get why people don't leave though. It's comfortable being comfortable and it's easy to feel content. Maybe it's my constant alcoholic need for chaos that has kept me searching for the next big thing. But I could see how you could be happy with being happy. I do envy that sometimes. I however, need to be constantly challenged and pushed to grow. So for me that meant leaving Philly.

My entire life I went back and forth between two house holds. My parents were divorced since I was two years old and whenever I would fully feel at home somewhere I would be told it was time to go to my other house. Fitting in has always been really difficult because I have never fully felt like I belonged.

The first time I felt like I actually belonged somewhere was summer camp. It was the most consistent and unabridged place that felt like home. It was my happy place and I ruined it by getting kicked out for drinking= first true depression; enter Burlington, VT.

Burlington, VT felt more like home than camp even did. I was ripped away from Burlington due to my drinking. Welcome my sobriety date of March 20th 2012. Losing Burlington was one of the hardest losses I have experienced in my life because I lost my sense of belonging. I've never felt so misplaced. There comes a point when you just need to stop losing everything. Saying the words "rock bottom" is completely different than feeling like you've actually lost and ruined everything. Literally everything. And for me that meant the home I was always searching for.

So when I moved back to Philly and I got a "new way of life" I made it my own. But because of my weighted history of fucking hating Philadelphia it was like a lover I never fully let into my life.

So I left...
My version of not staying in Philadelphia and your reasoning for never leaving are probably very different. And you know what, I know a ton of people who never left Burlington and it's the same situation. Although losing that "home" was such an incredibly trying experience, I am grateful I did not get stuck there and become resentful and bitter.

Right now I fucking hate not being in Philadelphia. I want so badly to be in two places at once moving with both spinning parts. Not coming and going while one goes on and so does the other.

I said in my last post I have never been in love and that's really not true because I have friends I love so much and wish I could be with all the time. So maybe I have experienced love on another level that some people will never understand.

For me friendships aren't going out, partying, taking pictures... It's being honest and telling the truth. If I am mean to you I probably really fucking care about you. Honesty is the foundation to any relationship.

I just sometimes look at my life and say WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING.... LIKE CONSTANTLY. 

I don't think I am the center of any universe except my own. And I really need to stop making other peoples problems burdens on my own life. I need to learn to just fucking let go. I just wish I could freeze time and be everywhere I want to be at once. However, all I can do is take care of myself, try and lend a helping hand to others, and hope they do what's best.

I love the life I live and am so happy. I just miss my friends and family that I love so much. I am so grateful to have a support system like I do.

Sometimes I miss the value of gratuity but I can truly say, even though I am super emotional and moody right now, I am so incredibly #blessed for the people that are in my life. I am the luckiest girl to have the people I do.

Also you want to talk about whiny-- I have been listening to Sarah McLaughlin this whole blog post so add that as your background soundtrack.

Onwards and upwards we go Yabbers...<3 nbsp="" p="">

Thursday, September 28, 2017

"Oh no no... We Are Way Past Rockbottom."

Hi it's me.

I'm just sitting in the dark listening to Ed Sheeran, thinking out loud how much I hate my dating life.

I have seen a lot of psychics in my day and honestly I think they're holding out on me. I feel like they get one good look at me and they're like, "aw shit." I don't think anyone is being honest with me anymore.

I think I really will die alone. I don't think I understand how relationships or dating works. I don't think I have a compatible match out there. I think I am happy being alone because it is my destiny. 

I feel like this is the 100th blog post where I am writing, "I'm tired of dating."

At this point I feel like I am at an all time low. I would not say by any means I am at a rock bottom. Oh no no we are way past that point...
But I will say I'm just almost, baffled by the status of my dating life.

I am so fucking done. I have written before that dating can be exhausting but now I'm at another level... I am now crying.

There's all these songs, movies, books, pieces of literature that all have to do with love. And I've never felt it. I've already written about how I don't even know what love is and I'm not going into detail about that right now because that's not even my main concern.

I'm in the stage of my life where I have a wedding constantly coming up. Not only will I never get a plus one- because everyone knows how single I am- but I will never need one, and if I ever got one it would be a source of anxiety because I have no one to fucking bring with me.
And let's not even talk about the fact that at these weddings these people are committing their lives to each other and I can't even get a guy to call me back!

This is what I'm tired of: Ghosting. And honestly, how dating apps have changed the dating landscape.

Bumble and tinder have full on deleted chivalry from our already very "modern" society. Finding someone to ask you out and not into their bed is already a challenge. And if you do find a date it's different rules then it used to be.

You would think because I am a 27 year old it wouldn't matter what dating apps have done because I essentially grew up with them. But I don't think I was made for them. Some guy kept asking me the other night on a 'date' "What's your type?"
I don't have a fucking type. I think people who are attractive are attractive? But like I'm attracted to people's personalities and you don't really get that from swiping left or right on max five pics. I like to laugh, but I have a certain sense of humor.

I've been doing the dating thing. Like going out on dates with guys, real dates. I enjoy the actual act of the date--- which is something I never thought I would say. There was a point, not that long ago, where the thought of sharing a meal with a dude would have been enough to keep me at home.

I have come along way that's for fucking sure... In so many capacities. For the past five years I have been fighting everything to make my life better. Everyday I fight to stay sober and be a better person. So sitting down with someone and saying "I don't drink" is so invalidating. When they say "oh why don't you drink" I sometimes just say "I had a drinking problem". I'm not gonna tell you the first day I met you how I have come from being a shell of nothing to making something of myself.

But these guys take me on a date, or three max, and never call me again. I definitely think that the whole dating world at their thumb has them over me in .5 seconds. I'm not saying I'm falling head over heels for these guys, in fact a lot of the time I don't know if I want to spend more time with them or not. But I'm willing to see what happens. All I am fucking looking for at this point is NORMAL. Fucking normal.

The act of dating is getting to know someone and whether you can spend extended periods of time with someone. I just think these people are real life swiping me to quickly.

When someone used to ask you out (this was before my time) it was obviously first of all someone you knew. So they already had some concept of who you are. And a key dating rule (according to my sources) was to not be so available.

Now... Men have the attention span of a goldfish because they have a pocket full of endless women on their phone.

Here's the other thing that bugs me... I am the only one I know with a blog who analyticly picks apart their dating life. Sure a lot people probably do this in the privacy of their own head, but I know plenty of people in long term relationships and MARRIED FOR GOD SAKES so obviously this code isn't so difficult for them to crack. So what the fuck is wrong with me? AM I JUST OVERTHINKING ALL OF THIS.

But I don't really think I'm overthinking guys telling me they'll call me and then never hearing from them again... I think that's just facts.

I have been in therapy for literally years and I can't find someone to date. I will say I am incredibly critical of other people and I have very high standards. And of course, let's be real... I low key love and thrive being single... but it is all like some sort of weird math problem I am constantly trying to solve.

Well my mom always said to me "you'll find someone when you stop looking." I genuinely have been trying to get to that point for so long and I can finally say I am fucking there.

But I will say, I have a lot of male friends, male friends who read this blog... seriously stop. Stop ignoring girls- that you said you would text and then you didn't so they texted you and you ignored. Stop standing up girls. Stop being fucking assholes and hiding behind your screens. Stop being little boys and grow the fuck up. Don't call girls crazy when you are being a little bitch. Stop fucking lying and manipulating.

Right now I feel like shit. I feel so used and abused. I feel not worth anyone's time. I feel lied to.
I don't feel good enough.

I live my life by a principal called radical honesty. I don't lie. The few times I have in the past year have been to random men who have asked me questions that were too personal so I gave them fake answers. But just because I am telling the truth all the time doesn't mean everyone else is.
Ask yourself this... how many times have you lied in the past year? It's hard for me to recognize that not all people are as honest, maybe even with themselves, as I am and try to be.

Getting sober you really have to get honest, so ever since I did that, I got real honest. I think that's why people love reading this so much because it's so raw.

I feel really raw right now. What is wrong with me or what am I doing wrong that I can't hold anyone's interest for more than a couple hours?

Usually by the end of me writing out all of my feelings I come to a conclusion that makes me feel better about the whole situation. This didn't happen today.

I will say this, all of this has taught me to be vulnerable and to let people in even if they won't let me in. Maybe I'm not the most trusting person but I have become willing to let something into my life. You know I have gone out with some fucking nutsos so maybe I need someone to pick out a man for me... I don't think I'm going about any of this right anymore...

Hey, maybe this is the conclusion- Maybe you have to fall flat on your faces 100 times before learning how to properly walk, run, or rollerblade. Maybe you have to just learn how to put yourself out there before anything can come to you.

My cousin always says to me that God is molding the perfect person for me and I do believe that.

I retract that I will die alone- because I have calmed the fuck down by a lot (Still listening to Ed tho)- If I tell myself I am going to die alone, then well one day I will. I can not let my fear manifest itself.

I know the right person is out there for me. And if I have to kiss a bunch of frogs til I get to him fine. I just wish they'd be a little more considerate and honest with me.

(Honestly, I don't know if any of that made sense to you, it was more just a rant. But to give you an overview I'm pissed that men keep ghosting me and that dating is so frustrating.)

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

You Can Do Anything For a Year

ur hiii....

Well this is certainly one of the longest hiatus I have ever taken from posting and actually writing in itself.

I've had a lot going on. A lot. alotalot. A lot of transitions.

But today marks my 1 year journey to Colorado and when anniversary's come up it's easy for me to reflect and write. *August 1st- when I started writing this *eye roll*

This past year has been a whirlwind, not necessarily more than the past couple of years, just another tornado.
I think once you hit 21 your years turn into long journeys. Each year marks a triumph over the last roller coaster.
Although I do remember when I hit puberty my mom literally telling me that my emotions were going to "become a roller coaster ride" so maybe it's just been since then....

And now I'm 27 and have entered my late 20s but I'm still in denial about that one so we are not going to touch on that tonight.

Living in Colorado has taught me a lot of things and changed me in many ways.

First and foremost I have learned you can do anything for a year. I think that has really been my mantra.
This year has been extremely challenging. But like honestly what year hasn't in the past... I don't know... ten years...? I have dealt with a lot of very difficult work place struggles, from co-workers to supervisors. It's been a very challenging year overall.

I also did this thing where I decided to move somewhere without doing any research and ended up hating where I lived.... I don't recommend that. If you're planning on moving somewhere spontaneously do the fucking research. Don't just assume that because it's Colorado it's going to be beautiful because Colorado boarders Kanas and you could be closer to Witchata then you are some mountains... fml.

When I first moved to Greeley several people, in the fucking town, said to me "I hate Greeley". Which of course I have heard people say about Philadelphia but the tenacity these people said this definitely worried me.
I can now fully and whole heartedly say, "I too hate Greeley."

It's just not for me. There are definitely people who love Greeley with all their heart but it is nothing I would ever want in a town or a life. But you can do anything for a year.

However,  I will say the adjustment back to my normal life has been a bit draining. I went from Greeley life working Mon-Fri from about 12pm- 5pm, staying up til about 2am every night and having little to no social interaction during the week. Life at about 5mphs. Then driving to Denver for the entire weekend and coming back to my sleepy town Sunday.
It was relaxing... I guess... it was more so just fucking boring.

NOW, I wake up at 6am for work I don't get home til 6:30pm and I'm usually doing something during the evening. So we are up to about...oh 300mphs. I have two jobs, one full time, one babysitting part time.

But you know what, I like to work. That doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm jet lagged with the sleeping schedule and I'm not 1000x more stressed out. But like I'm fucking living my life again thank God.

Maybe sometimes you need to slow down. I think a lot of the times we need to stop and slow down, but a year was a little long.... you can do anything for a year. 

You can find growth when you see no room to grow. You can expand and keep going... onwards and upwards. You can find the positives. You can look for lessons. You can cry. You can get through it. 

You definitely could have written more blog posts Yab... but of course, I work better under pressure.

The year before last [2015] I was incredibly depressed. Like taking hot showers every night and sinking to the bottom of the shower crying my eyes out... almost every night I kid you not. On anti-depressants. I lost a best friend to heroin and two dogs in less than a year. I had a job I hated. I learned I hated Philadelphia and I decided to leave.

But I had no idea what this would entail.

Well, turns out I am much more suited for Colorado. Problem: my best friend and family are still in Philly. So now I am plotting ways to pull them all out here permanently so I don't have to go back.

Besides my work place struggles, the hardest thing I have dealt with this past year is not knowing where I belong.

Moving to Colorado I have realized, although I will always be from Philadelphia, it's not really where I belong. But where do I belong? I don't even know if it's Colorado. Constantly I was, and am, dealing with an existential crisis' to the point where I had to enlist a new therapist out here because I felt so out of place. In the words of [the old] Taylor Swift circa 2006, "I'm just a girl tryna find a place in this world".

I fucking started listening to country music this year and I tell people I like bluegrass when they ask me what I listen to. Like who the fuck am I?

Greeley made me really question what the fuck I was doing with my life, daily, for multiple reasons.

However, right now, September 13th 2017, I can say I am stressed out about my life but also I am starting to take things as they come for the first time in a long time. I think having less time to worry about what the fuck I am doing and rather just being super busy and living my life, it is easier to just roll with it.

I guess, in retrospect Greeley was a huge lesson. Duh, obviously Gab. Or maybe it was a gift. A gift of a break. I know I said earlier in this post last year was horrible but it really wasn't. It was just super slow.

I know this post isn't really that juicy or full of life lessons but I trying to play catch up.
It's like when you don't see your therapist for a while and you have to tell them all the dumb bullshit in your life and you can't dig deep.

Well I promise you this Yabbers... I am back to writing.

It's been a long period of trying to figure out what the fuck is going on in my life. I can't even believe this summer is over. I can't believe I am 27. I feel like my whole fucking life is flashing before my eyes. I guess that's the existential crisis I am dealing with now. It's not that I feel so old I just feel like before I know it I'm going to be fucking old.

Jeez Yabers I have so many things to tell you but it is oh so past my bed time. I hope you accept my sincere apology (this is mostly to myself) for not writing in so long. But ttyl xoxo

And remember..
You can do anything for a year. 

ALSO Listen to this

Thursday, April 27, 2017

"Maybe you'll get married, Maybe you won't"

All of the drafts in my blog inbox are political. Rants about Donald Trump and feminism which I will one day delve into but today is not that day. I mean let's be fucking real, that's not what you have come here looking for.

That's what you like to read about you fucking assholes. I don't know why? I am 26 years old writing in a very unprofessional sub par blog and I am absolutely terrible with relationships... so why that is the thing I get the most views on absolutely blows my mind. Like hello, I am a god damn expert on sobriety and finding God but you could all care less about that!
Just kidding, I'm no expert and I have had a number of people reach out to me about getting sober which is fucking incredible.

But I know all of you closet FuckYab readers just want to know how absolutely terrible my dating/ love(?) life is going,

Welp, folks, not fucking good. Ok, I'm a harsh critic and an over exaggerator- it's fine. Honestly, it's not that bad at all. I'm 26 and in the prime of my youth. I'm a 21st century woman. I'm single and I frequently eat my dinner in my bed naked watching reality TV. If you think that's sad sorry I'm not fucking sorry because I find it liberating and empowering so screw you.

I am v happy for all of my friends who are getting married and having babies but that is NOT me or where I want to be. Honestly, that freaks me out. Not the idea of people getting married per say... and I really am honestly so thrilled for all of them. I mean it is about that time... mid to late 20s... people start getting hitched. Tis upon us, winter has come- in the words of John Snow.
Seriously, I have four wedding this year.

but like I am in noooooooo hurry for that life.

I think I use to worry that I was behind in life, but now I'm kinda happy about it. I can not picture myself married with three kids. There are plenty of women (girls?) around the country, my exact age, doing just that...
Of course, part of me wants to be in a relationship but like that's it. I don't want to be getting married at all. I fucking love being alone and wandering on my own through life. It would be super cool to have someone to share adventures with but it also feels a little limiting. It's funny because the last guy I was seriously seeing told me, when I decided to DTR (define the relationship), that he "didn't want to get married". Literally exact quote, first thing that came out of his mouth. Like Bitch me neither? Clearly we did not know each other as well as I thought...

I do think it's particularly hard getting into a relationship at this age because a lot of people's minds are on marriage. Guys (and girls) are either desperately trying to settle down or trying to avoid commitment as much as possible.I mean it makes sense because even I am watching all my friends get engaged. A lot of people in their mid20s are scorned I am finding...probably because they've had a great love that didn't work out. If they're great love did work out, welp, they're engaged.  That's just really not on my personal life radar right not however, I am excited to dance at some upcoming weddings.

This is really not the way I saw this blog going, but yeah let's just let it all out Gab... As I do write this all down, and I as I am dwelling on what I was planning on writing about I realize that I am a little behind HAHAHA Maybe that is why you all like to read this shit because it's such a mess.

I haven't even had a functional relationship and I am now writing about how all of my friends are getting engaged....

Well you know what, fuck it.

Because there are people who will read this and relate to never being in a relationship just as there are people reading this close to engagement or already married!

I think it's important to not compare yourself to people and their life journey. I know. I am. doing. exactly. what I am supposed to be doing.

And you know what I retract some of the statements I just made, "STRIKE IT FROM THE RECORD"
Yes, I do think getting into a relationship is really fucking hard right now because it's like where the fuck are you in life? Growing up all of us were on the same page for a while. We went to preschool, then elementary, then middle school, high school, then we were all told to go to college but we all started to grow in different directions.

Some of us finished college, some of us had to leave early, some of us are still in college. Some of us never dated in college, some people are still dating the same person from high school. Some of us found out we were gay, some of us got sober, some people lost key members of their family or best friends and had to deal with death.

And some people graduated college, got a good job and are now getting married. But believe it or not a lot of us started to encounter life after high school and somewhere along the lines things did not go as planned.

So where are we now? Now, we are sort-of-adults living sort-of-adult lives.

All and all it's hard to meet someone who is in the same exact time frame of life as you. When we were growing up it was like, "wow they're cute let's do this." Now there is a whole world of dating to try and see if your timing is anywhere on the same base.  They could be younger, they could be older, they could be exactly the same age, it doesn't really matter as long as you're both on the same page.

Honestly, it's difficult even staying friends with people you grew up with because none of us mature at the same rate. We are like branches on a trees, all stemming from the same place but growing in different directions. We might lean far away from each other and then end up intertwined, or we could stay side by side forever. I can't tell you how many friends I have lost just in the process of growing and it pains me sometimes to not know what they are doing now.

My best friends live all over the country so it's hard to stay in touch and even more challenging to still be able to relate to one another.
It's stressful. It's confusing trying to conceptualize these people I have known my whole life getting married, let alone me even being near that chapter in my life.

I'm just looking to find my first great love.

Or is it?

All in all, I don't think we should compare ourselves to each other anymore and where we are at in life. Because no one is right or wrong. Everyone is exactly where they should be. Even if you feel like shit about where you are- you are where you are supposed to be. You're probably just going through it and it sometimes hurts to grow.
If you end up getting a divorce or breaking up with someone you thought you were going to marry.... You can't regret it. That's what was supposed to happen. No, of course I do not know why, and maybe you will never know why but hopefully that gives you some piece of mind.

Jenna marbles once said, "Don't regret anything because you made the best possible decision you could in that given moment." How can you say shoulda, coulda, woulda? You were there and that is what happened. That's life my friends.

I can't help but think, "What are other people stressing about?" Like I can only truly relate to what I have or am going through. I constantly battle with "why haven't I found someone?" But maybe a girl in South Dakota right now who is my exact age is struggling with "Why the fuck did I get married and have two kids?" You can complain, that is your god given right, but you also have to be grateful.
I have possibility on the horizon for me and small regrets that I live with everyday. But pretty much I got it pretty good.

And truthfully... I don't really like humans that much which is why I think I am still single and deep down... I love just being with meeeeeeeeee
Dear God if someone took that away I don't know what I'd do. There is a small glimpse into my love life but that's not the whole thing so you're gonna have to tune in next week... or like next month....

Sooo... basically you know nothing that is going on in my love life right now and this blog post just turned into a tangent on marriage... Well, I can tell you this much, I don't regret this and I hope no matter what point you are in in your life this helped you in some shape or form.

Don't dwell and regret, just go onwards and upwards Yabbers.

If that doesn't work the song is Everybody's Free to Wear SunScreen by Baz Luhmann 
^click the link

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Getting Sober in Your 20s

So I missed Christmas 2016 with you all, I missed being able to write a new years blog, I've missed months of writing.

Now the only reason I am writing is because I am killing time at a coffee shop. When you're trying to waste time you really find out the things you need to get done...

Of course I have had things to write about, but honestly the truth is I have been sucked so far into the television I hardly use my laptop anymore unless I am on the move.

But writing a good blog takes concentration and time, both of which I have at the current moment luckily....

My friend was getting rid of his TV a couple of months ago and was literally like, "Do you want this? Just take it." It's massive, like the biggest TV I have ever personally owned and it has fully engulfed me into the world of netflix and reality television. I have ADD so having a massive TV in my room all to myself is really limiting to the rest of my work life. Like I have a necessary fidget cube in my hand right now.

But I guess- touching on New Years 2017- I will right now, this very second, make a resolution to turn off my TV for at least one day a week. Hopefully dedicating more time to my true passion, this blog. My friend also suggested dedicating 20 mins or a half hr to writing and then turning on the TV, which seems like it would work v well, so let's give that a whirl!

The thing about TV and movies is, although they are great and all, surprise surprise, they take you out of reality. And the thing about me and this blog is that this is much more than writing to me, this is one of the many ways I work things out in my life. I am grateful for all the views I get on my writing but it is honestly more cathartic for me. It's not only getting thoughts on to the page but it's also making them public knowledge so nothing is left in me to stir and stew.

So what's going on with me right now...

Welp by the time anyone reads this I will have 5 years of sobriety. Which really just makes me feel old. I kid, this is a huge accomplishment for me. I think my last real milestone with my recovery was 1 year and that was 4 years ago...


I was telling someone the other day, a lot of people have said to me, "Oh you are so lucky to have gotten sober so young."

Honestly, not really... I am lucky to have gone to my first AA meeting at 18 and given up drinking by 21? Umm no sir or mam that is not luck, that is survival. You don't hear about "young drunks" becoming "old drunks". You hear about them dying.

I am lucky enough to have had a white light moment where I could see clearly for about 2.5seconds and realized that yes I am an alcoholic, but also alcoholism would kill me if I didn't stop drinking.

And honestly, I don't care if I'm that girl who constantly is saying, "It's about life and death" because that's the reality of the situation.

If you have a coke problem and your super functional, all it takes is one bad night to LITERALLY KILL YOU. Same with heroin, molly, and fatal consumption amounts of alcohol.

I am eternally grateful that somewhere along the past five years my thinking changed from needing a drinking to learning how to survive without it. Because for me a glass of wine, or a craft brew is not worth a trip to a psych hospital for the third time, or worse.

But the reality of it is it's a lot easier to moderately drink through your 20s than be sober. I had to grow the fuck up starting at 21. I know 32 years who are not as emotionally mature as I had to be at 24. I had to learn how to skirt around "getting a drink" for a first date. I had to learn how to go on a date for the first time sober. I had to learn how to have two jobs and a ridiculous work week without having a drink on Friday or Saturday.
I am not one to sit at home so I had to learn how to go clubbing and to bars sober. I had to learn when and who to go out with that was safe for me. I learned to travel sober, like I went to Paris and had no champagne. I did have copious amount of meat and cheese to make up for it though.

I had to learn how important it was to actually tell people what was going on with me so I didn't want to kill myself daily, literally and figuratively. I have had my heart broken sober and I didn't drown my sorrows in booze. However, I have never drunk dialed an ex so we can count that as a benefit.

You're fucking 20s are hard enough as it is without not being able to have a drink.

and yes I know, I am only 26. So basically I have only been sober my early 20s but honestly, I don't plan on drinking anytime soon, which means I will probably be sober through my late 20s as well.

But don't get me wrong, there benefits to this life too, quite an abundance of them. At 20, I literally could not see a future for myself. All I was constantly looking to do was get to the next party, whenever wherever. Even if it was a month away, that is what I was looking forward to.

Now, at 26, I constantly am practically pinching myself and saying, "can you believe what your life has become." Even my hardest days sober are better than my worst days drinking.

Moving away from where I got sober and the friends I have made in this new life I have, had has been very fucking hard. I chose to do this. To leave my life and what was comfortable in order to push myself to grow, and as fun as this adventure has been it's been really fucking hard.

Over the past year I have felt incredibly existential so many time. My heart lies in Philly but I long for adventure. I expected to come to Colorado and absolutely love it here but honestly, that hasn't been the case at all. It's made me think so much about who I am and ultimately where my place is in this world. I could have stayed comfortable in Philly and never felt these feelings but I keep pushing myself to grow because that is what recovery is.

Shit has happened to me in the past few years that I honestly never thought I would be able to make it through sober. All of my reservations have been broken. A lot of people will tell you, "just because you get sober doesn't mean it gets easier..." I remember telling myself, "If my dog dies, I will probably have a drink." It was such a steadfast thought. And although having both my dogs die a couple months apart broke me down quite a bit, it didn't even cross my mind to have a drink.

Then when I decided to live with one of my oldest and best friends, and watched her eventually kill herself with drugs, I didn't pick anything up.

If anything these lessons I have learned without using have taught me how to survive and thrive, not broken me down.

I think a lot of people are like, "Oh it would be a fight or flight reaction and you don't know how you would act given the situation" I can honestly say my reaction to life is fight.
And if I get nothing out of being sober 5 years, I can honestly say I am fucking proud of that.

I am proud to be as my therapist puts it, "a badass" for being sober this long and learning to fucking fight through the shit.

Recovery is a battle and you are fighting for your life everyday.

The end of that saying is, "just because you get sober doesn't mean it gets easier... but it does get better". And that I fucking know is true.

I have met some of the most incredible people throughout my recovery and formed incredibly deep relationships. Including meeting my best friend Sam. I don't think I will ever truly connect with another human as strongly as I have with her and I am so lucky to have met her on this road.

So yes, getting sober is your 20s is not fucking easy, but it's definitely been worth it.