Monday, April 13, 2015

Gettin Jiggy Wit It

I haven't done a music blog post in a lonng time. And I've been hearing some good stuff, especially as this nice weather creeps in and you want to feel good...

Here's Yabs top picks:

Yes, yas, YAS. Two of my favs rolled into one.

Jack U is crazy good, obviously. It's Diplo and Skrillex.

Everything by Galantis I love. 


And of course, 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

My Side VS. Their Side

I think I need to work on compassion, understanding and most of all tolerance. 
(And it's interesting that I'm saying and writing all of this because I just went to a meeting that dealt with resentments, and having tolerance, and I am working to get rid of my character defects in my step work....
Life is all relevant.)

Lately I've been feeling all, " O woe is me! Everyone has wronged me! THE WORLD IS OUT TO GET ME."

Um how about we take it back a second Yab?

I need to work to understand that other people's day to day, is different than mine and we all have out own personal goals that may not connect or coincide.

I need to be more compassionate throughout my life for other people and what they have to deal with and go through.

And I need to be waaay more tolerant, of peoples time and needs. The differences we have in each of us is what makes living so colorful,
and sometimes I lose sight of that.

All of these things I have listed, go hand in hand. 

And I think it's takes a lot on my part, not just me, but the collective my part. You could almost say the we. 
I can not be so selfish all the time and think I have the worst slice of cake or the stalest cupcake. Because although things are shitty for me sometimes, they may be far worse for others. Especially for what others are not telling the rest of the world. The things people are keeping quite. The stale icing that people eat off the cupcake because they want to be polite.

I am not sorry for blogging, because it's what I do. But I'm sorry if I make it seem like my problems are so huge. Because they are not.

I'm not just talking about the kids I work with in North Philly, who are dealing with more than a shitty hand of cards, but a whole fucking deck, but I also mean everyone else. Like the person who says a snarky comment to me and I get pissed. Maybe I think I am working hard, but in some aspect of their life, they are working harder than me.
And it's not just being humble...but actually practicing humility.

I am grateful for so many things. One thing that I think I have, either acquired or developed, is the practice of digesting things. This can be either a good thing or bad thing, a double edged sword really. Someone may say something to me and it might eat away at me and drive me crazy without realizing it. However, sometimes it may make me think in a different way and deeper than I was before.

I do not mean to chastise people or burn them with the things I write. I've written before that it's hard to write publicly because you're writing about your experience.
The thing is though, my experience with a situation may be totally different from a person I've shared that interaction with.

There are three sides to every story: My side, your side and what really happened.
I know my side, we may never know what really happened, but I can hear your side.
I'm opening my ears.

Understanding is something I really strive for but I think maybe sometimes I lose perspective while writing so personally.

I tend to come to my own conclusions while writing and talking aloud. But I heard it once said, that a person that comes up with a question can not find the solution on their own. Which has never really made sense to me until now.

So I need to work on some things and I need to leave things a little more open ended and look at the situation rather than the solution or the conclusion.

I will conclude... with that. Oops.

Monday, April 6, 2015

It Is Finished. (but we already knew that)

Anytime I had a conversation with my 'ex' about emotions or "what we were doing", it never went the way I foresaw it going. Which means we were never, ever on the same page. From the first time I tried to figure out "what we were doing"... things did not go well. That initial conversation should have been a tell tale sign that things were not going to end well. And they didn't. They did not end well. The final break up was over the phone, four months ago, followed up by a controversial blog post on my part. Say hello to part two of that blog post... 

I think me writing that blog put up a big do not enter sign on my door, whether on purpose or by mistake. The door closed at that point. 

But I would be lying if I said a part of me was not hoping he called. Of course I was hoping he'd call. Things ended so abrupt.
Although if you think about it, it was not abrupt at all.

The night prior to me saying "I'm done," on the phone, was a literal shit show. I had had a Christmas party and when we were finally alone I had tried to roll him out of my bed while he was passed out because I was so angry at him. I took all of the pillows off the bed and threw them on the floor, except mine. But somehow I woke up with him on my pillow and me sleeping on him. I don't know how long I expected that to go on...

I currently am in a state of frustration. It is only a matter of time until I run into this human. Whether I like it or not. Philadelphia is small.
I feel bad for people who have dated within their group of friends because seeing your ex that often would drive one mad. It causes people to lose friends, I'm sure.
(Not saying me and this person dated.
Because we didn't. There were no dates. )
I waited and waited for him to call and he never did. I guess I wasn't worth fighting for. Which is fine. It wasn't meant to be. But now, every weekend I go out and the possibility of seeing him is constantly looming over my head. That is maybe more maddening then knowing you will see someone. 

I'm over this relationship and I'm ready to move on with my life. But I feel that when you have that exact attitude, that's when people jump up out of no where. Like, "HAI HI HERE I AM. IT'S ME. HELLO." I guess God truly does work in mysterious ways but, lord almighty. Send him away. Transfer him somewhere. Or let it happen already.

It's not that I'm scared or frightened to see him. It's that I think it will be at the most inopportune time. And I am nervous he will yell at me for my blog... to which there will be a giant afuckayew. 

Obviously there's a bit of closure that's lacking. I mean yes I have given my piece to the Internet. We all know how I feel about the situation, but I've had no response back. He never called ever. I haven't seen him. I said a brief merry Christmas but that's it 

Maybe we will never have enough closure though. Maybe even if I did see him every weekend and he called the next day I would still feel uneasy. Maybe that's life. It's just part of the moving on process. It's never quick and easy. And the quick and easy way is never the right way. 

I could sit there and pretend I'm un-phased. Sit pretty, happy and act calm and collected. But I'm Yab. I'm a writer and I leave my thoughts on the page and I can not keep holding on to anger and hate. Worrying about something that won't happen, especially when I expect it to. This is something you can't expect.
Breaking up, growing up, showing up, moving on, living life is hard. But it's life. And we must continue onward and upward. Let go, and live life.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Sometimes I Hide in my Shower.

I hope you're ready cause Yab is about to turn the heat up in the kitchen.
I have my period and I fucked up my birth control, so the PMS bitch is amplified x1000.


I am angry. I am pissed off. I am tired. And I am annoyed as all fucking hell.

At this point in the night however, I have calmed down. So I begin...
Just Kidding, what do you think this is cinder-fucking-ella? No, Yaberiella. UHDUH. 

One quality I feel I have is being a good friend. It's something I have has always posesssed and it may be one of my most redeeming qualities (if I do say so myself). It has brought incredible people into my life. I feel what you give out to the universe, you get back.

I have always had good friends. And I try to be there for people. As much as possible. I feel that is the most important thing for a friendship. Being there. Whether it's on the phone, or showing up.

(I must also *note, I am watching the HBO doc on scientology, so I apologize if this starts to get weird)

But sometimes, Karma doesn't always work in your favor. I've had friends who have turned into frenmies too many times. At this point in my life, I don't do that anymore. I just don't put up with bullshit.
I'm 24. If you want to be my friend, wonderful, I'll gladly accept! If not, goodbye.

And being a friend to me isn't just shooting the shit, it's getting down to the nitty gritty and like I said being there. Supporting each other. If that goes away and fades, buhbye. I honestly have a lot of friends and I don't want frenimes.

Maybe, this is why me and my ex didn't work out. It was pretty physical and the support was seriously lacking. He wasn't there for me. So, I said, "buhbye."

But I will say, the one thing I hate about break ups is losing a person from your life. I like people. I like friends, I hate losing friends, even if that's what has to happen. I've never really kept in contact with someone after a break up. I think it's easier that way, but that's the only way I know.

I had like a really nice weekend and a really rough weekend squished into one.
Like I said, PMS monster is out, so I just don't really feel good.

My mother is probably the only person that knows what I mean, when I call her up and say, "I don't feel good."
The sound of my voice gives away if it's mental or physical.
When I was really, really depressed a couple years back I would have some very bad days.
 And all I would need to say to my mom is, "I don't feel good." And she knew what I meant.

I still have some I-dont-feel-good-days, as we all do.

Today was one of those days. I worked very closely with a student, that I'm barely equipted to handle, I want to drown myself in chocolate, I'm tired and I just don't feel good.

And this makes me feel better because it also is something only me and my mom understand:

These days, one thing that does calm me down, is water.
I don't have... an exactly clean shower, but I find myself sitting in it a lot. When things get too much for me, I sit in my shower and watch the water. Is that weird? I don't care. I don't cry. I don't mope. I just let the water hit me and forget about everything. There is something about water that has always set me free. When I was a kid, and still to this day, I can stay in the ocean for an entire day and not get tired of it. I love water and it calms and chills me the fuck out.

Some of this, 

...some of this. 
Today I sat in my shower while listening to olds school BS.
Such as:


yup. Again, the period-ness.

I know what calms me. And that's what it is, 
water and BS. 

I would really, really like a rainy day. An excuse to post up in my bedroom and not leave. 
I love that it's getting sunny but I also want a day to not feel bad about posting up hard. 

I don't really think this blog was about anything particular, and I can into with more gusto than I came out. But hey, as long as you're not involved in Scientology, everyone is a winner here. 

I started off writing this in a very bad mood, but after eating some wonderfully done chicken, by chef Latona Jr., I am feeling less of a monster. Oh and there was also B&J involved, with a cookie core. If you don't know what I mean by that get with the mother fucking program (*hint: ben and jerrys).

It's baffling and amazing to me what writing does for me. It's not a way to always get a point across, or make total sense and prove the world wrong. But it's just a way to calm my thoughts and make sense of myself. I could compare it to my serenity with water if I was more clever... But it's way past my bed time and I can't. 

Sunday, March 29, 2015

The Boy Who Vanished From My Life.

I wrote a couple months ago about how I let someone out of my life and I said, " I didn't realize it was the last time I would see them." Which in retrospect, was incredibly overly dramatic. I will see that person, probably sooner than later... And I can be a drama queen. 

But there is a boy, from my life, who has completed vanished, and I am more than heart broken about it. 

One of the founding stories, of the program I work for is called The Starfish Story. Here it is :

I loved hearing this story during training because anyone from my beloved summer camp could tell you that story. It was told during our campfires and would give me chills.
It wasn't just a founding story for my job. It was a foundational story of my youth and was incredibly inspirational to hear going into a new working environment. 

This job, has been nothing that I expected, but to be honest with you, I didn't know what to expect. 

I feel I am more of an open person, now and I'm jaded at the same time. 

But back to starfish and the boy who has left my life... 

I have spent the past school year with a seventh grade boys classroom so I have been surrounded by boys all day. For 7 months. Burping, farting, dick eating. I've heard and seen it all, at this point. 
From the beginning there was one child that I knew was gonna be my babuh.
He was Puerto Rican, little, curly voluminous hair and a mouth on him that could curse out a sailor. But he was adorably sweet with me, and probably only me because we were cut from the same cloth. Not in looks or background, but the way we viewed the world. And I loved him so much. He was one of the few kids I could always get to actually do work with me and even though he was so silly I could see him making progress, I could get shit done with him. He was my starfish.  
So a couple days before Christmas break he wasn't in school, which was typical- he had horrible attendance. He would tell me, that he would stay home from school to watch TV.... WONDERFUL. We were working on that, but it was unbeknownst to me that that was what I should have been focusing on. 

He never returned to school. 
And there is high probability he never will.

It's hard when everything you are working against, comes and knocks you upside the head. This is the opposite of Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds.  This is the kid I thought I could save, being the first one to fail.

I have tried to fight to get this kid back in school but I can't do much. 
Phone lines go dead, his brother's rarely in school, the mother's apparently in jail... 

A lot of teachers thought this kid was a pain in the ass and had his head in the clouds, but I really did believe in him, so much.

I give it up to teachers, especially the ones in tough environments and those who teach children with disabilities. It takes a whole lot more than patience. 

At the beginning of all this I was so pumped. Now I'm feeling like I did nothing this year except try to make myself feel better. How many other kids will I lose, without even knowing about it? How many kids have no one to lose them? 

I've always thought my life was so hard and yea, we all have struggles but I thank god every night I am where I am and I have the things I do.
My version of hard, is luxury for a lot of fucking people. 

To be honest, if I have just made myself feel better this year than I guess I am "making better happen" and I'll tell you this, I didn't make things worse.

I push my boys. I expect them to do better. And if someone sets that expectation then at least they'll take that away. If nothing else, they'll remember my laugh and I know that makes people smile. 

No, I haven't given up on humanity, I just see a little bit more of it. And I want to keep helping and stop losing kids to fucked up shit.

Although I will never know what happens to this kid, I will never forget him. Maybe, probably, I will never see him again but lord almighty, I will never forget him.

Saturday, March 28, 2015


It's been about a month since my last blog post, and it feels like it was yesterday. Which makes sense if you read my last post.

I don't even know what I want to talk about. I've had moments where I've wanted to post posts but

I've just been... well, really busy.
Which is good. Like really good.
So this next blog post, was written a couple weeks ago, combined with a post written a couple days before. It's a compilation piece, which happens- when you are busy.

Three years ago, I never thought I would be where I am now. And you can literally read that if you go back in time through this blog.
I remember, when I decided to get sober, thinking my best years were behind me. I don't know what I thought was ahead of me... I wasn't very optimistic. In my eyes, my future looked bleak.
I could not imagine what was in store for me- as they say in AA, "life beyond your wildest dreams."

I would not be the person I am today without the people in my life. Some of them have come and gone, the ones who've been here the longest mean the most, and the people who continue to enter, keep making me a more whole and confident person.

I've been very reflective of that recently. Just truly amazed with myself and the life I have.
And to be honest with you, a lot of people don't understand what I'm talking about, because they've only seen me successful.
I'm not a mess anymore and people can't even picture what that looked like. Which is so bizarre to me. Because, let's be real, I will always be a mess. Now, I'm like a composed mess. Like a nice big messy bun (much like the ones I sport everyday) but not a bad bun- no a very good bun.

There are good buns and bad buns in life, and I these days am a good bun.

I guess I'm feeling a little reflective because last week, I had 3 years. Each year has felt, shorter and longer than the last. It feels like I have more time but less time at the same time.

Although I am a strong, more mature, sober woman I am still...

I can today, say I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming.

I wrote this a few weeks earlier and I will share it with you now:

"I'm in a business where you can't get knocked down. I've written about pushing and pushing and in my line of work you've gotta fucking push. I'm sorry if you're tired of reading about that. But it's what I deal with daily so why don't you fucking push yourself to continue reading...
You can fall, sure there will be days when you fall flat out on your face. 

But you can't take it like a bitch. You gotta get the fuck up and give them the one, two knock out punch.
Make them wonder why you're still smiling, is a favorite motto of mine.
And maybe this isn't my line of work, maybe it's the path of life.
Maybe my work is metaphorical for life. Am I really going to let a class of seventh grade boys push me around? Or am I going to show them that I'm not a boss...but the boss.
I've let work, life, people, push me down and make me cry too many time in my life. And I'm #overit. That doesn't mean I'm not gonna break down and cry for a second every now and again, but that will not be a constant. It can be a variable but certainly not the goddamn constant.
My life has been a little all over the place because I've been a little all over the place the last couple of days, in and out of the city. But I am finally on my way home to my apartment to settle down- and if you coudln't tell, I had a rough day. But you know what? I'm going for a run and heading to a meeting. So yeah, go ahead life. Try to kick me in the ass, because I'm going to kick you right back"

And you know what? I ran 2.5 miles in 30 minutes. I went to the meeting, put my hand up and shared about my shitty day, and now I'm moving forward.

These kids that I'm working with are real shits sometimes. But they come from a shitty hand dealt to them. They don't deserve what they have, they deserve better. They deserve a good education, at the very least. And I am in the school I am in to help them as much as I can.
I believe in them. They are not bad people. Actions speak louder than words. And I can work to change their attitudes and get them on a path where they can get a better deck of cards.

I can't give up because, sometimes, I'm all they've got.

I hope this helps you, whoever you are ,to give it- whatever it is- an extra go.
Don't take it like a bitch- give it the one, two.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Constant Motion

I feel like I have 20,000,000,000 things to do. 24/7.

I go to work, do work, am in constant motion, I'm doing work for my other jobs that I can't be at and then I'm rushing home. To relax? No, to get the rest of the work done.

if things were as simple as hiding in my bathroom and no one ever knowing I smoke(d).

I was assigned, a couple of weeks ago, to take a moment and meditate for my step work. This is one of the easiest assignments I have gotten. Usually I have to write and look inward. I literally have to sit and do nothing but I have found no time to just sit still.

Even when I get home and I'm like, "ok sit down and relax." I can't. I get in my bed to nap and I remember the errands I have to run and I get right out of bed. Or I try to turn on a tv show and not think and I start making lists in my head.

I feel like I have been very productive in the past couple weeks and it has encouraged me to be even more productive but it can be exhausting.
And I say I'm doing a million things but then I feel like I have gotten nothing done. Maybe my time management skills have just been failing me... per usual.

I, of course, am putting to much stress and pressure on myself. I have been constantly checking things off of my to do lists. But it just feels like there is always so much to get done.

And, maybe that's just life. The moment we are born, we are hurled into life and into the world. We are heading towards the future. As we move on from sleeping, growing, eating and pooping, we transition into adulthood and goals, dreams and expectations. Life's fucking hard and there is much to be done!

I've done the nothing thing
The sitting still and letting life pass by. I remember when my life consisted of wondering when my life was going to start.
Much like being hurled into life, I have been flung into the world. Last year, I sat still. Now I am in motion. A constant motion that is flowing and does not stop.

I think doing the work I do to leaves me feeling that there is more to be done. As I am on the front lines of the public school education system, I am seeing all the holes that need to be filled.
You know all the stories like the movie Freedom Writer? Where the teacher takes a "bad class" and turns them into upright citizens? That's the 1%. That shit doesn't happen everyday. It happens like maybe, maybe once a week, for a second. You have to push and push and push until you get a breakthrough. It doesn't happen easily or quickly.
But you can't let it break you either. You have to push because if you don't there will never be a breakthrough. You have to channel you're energy and you have to laugh. If you don't laugh a little you will break the fuck down.

But life will push you back. It's not fair but it's fucking life.
Everything you go through is for a reason and you will get to the other side.

I've heard it said that people who are afraid of hell have religion and people who have been through hell are spiritual. So call me spiritual.
I need my crystals. ~

Phhhhew it's exhausting.

So I'm off. To run some errands as quickly and effectively as possible.