Thursday, April 27, 2017

"Maybe you'll get married, Maybe you won't"

All of the drafts in my blog inbox are political. Rants about Donald Trump and feminism which I will one day delve into but today is not that day. I mean let's be fucking real, that's not what you have come here looking for.

That's what you like to read about you fucking assholes. I don't know why? I am 26 years old writing in a very unprofessional sub par blog and I am absolutely terrible with relationships... so why that is the thing I get the most views on absolutely blows my mind. Like hello, I am a god damn expert on sobriety and finding God but you could all care less about that!
Just kidding, I'm no expert and I have had a number of people reach out to me about getting sober which is fucking incredible.

But I know all of you closet FuckYab readers just want to know how absolutely terrible my dating/ love(?) life is going,

Welp, folks, not fucking good. Ok, I'm a harsh critic and an over exaggerator- it's fine. Honestly, it's not that bad at all. I'm 26 and in the prime of my youth. I'm a 21st century woman. I'm single and I frequently eat my dinner in my bed naked watching reality TV. If you think that's sad sorry I'm not fucking sorry because I find it liberating and empowering so screw you.

I am v happy for all of my friends who are getting married and having babies but that is NOT me or where I want to be. Honestly, that freaks me out. Not the idea of people getting married per say... and I really am honestly so thrilled for all of them. I mean it is about that time... mid to late 20s... people start getting hitched. Tis upon us, winter has come- in the words of John Snow.
Seriously, I have four wedding this year.

but like I am in noooooooo hurry for that life.

I think I use to worry that I was behind in life, but now I'm kinda happy about it. I can not picture myself married with three kids. There are plenty of women (girls?) around the country, my exact age, doing just that...
Of course, part of me wants to be in a relationship but like that's it. I don't want to be getting married at all. I fucking love being alone and wandering on my own through life. It would be super cool to have someone to share adventures with but it also feels a little limiting. It's funny because the last guy I was seriously seeing told me, when I decided to DTR (define the relationship), that he "didn't want to get married". Literally exact quote, first thing that came out of his mouth. Like Bitch me neither? Clearly we did not know each other as well as I thought...

I do think it's particularly hard getting into a relationship at this age because a lot of people's minds are on marriage. Guys (and girls) are either desperately trying to settle down or trying to avoid commitment as much as possible.I mean it makes sense because even I am watching all my friends get engaged. A lot of people in their mid20s are scorned I am finding...probably because they've had a great love that didn't work out. If they're great love did work out, welp, they're engaged.  That's just really not on my personal life radar right not however, I am excited to dance at some upcoming weddings.

This is really not the way I saw this blog going, but yeah let's just let it all out Gab... As I do write this all down, and I as I am dwelling on what I was planning on writing about I realize that I am a little behind HAHAHA Maybe that is why you all like to read this shit because it's such a mess.

I haven't even had a functional relationship and I am now writing about how all of my friends are getting engaged....

Well you know what, fuck it.

Because there are people who will read this and relate to never being in a relationship just as there are people reading this close to engagement or already married!

I think it's important to not compare yourself to people and their life journey. I know. I am. doing. exactly. what I am supposed to be doing.

And you know what I retract some of the statements I just made, "STRIKE IT FROM THE RECORD"
Yes, I do think getting into a relationship is really fucking hard right now because it's like where the fuck are you in life? Growing up all of us were on the same page for a while. We went to preschool, then elementary, then middle school, high school, then we were all told to go to college but we all started to grow in different directions.

Some of us finished college, some of us had to leave early, some of us are still in college. Some of us never dated in college, some people are still dating the same person from high school. Some of us found out we were gay, some of us got sober, some people lost key members of their family or best friends and had to deal with death.

And some people graduated college, got a good job and are now getting married. But believe it or not a lot of us started to encounter life after high school and somewhere along the lines things did not go as planned.

So where are we now? Now, we are sort-of-adults living sort-of-adult lives.

All and all it's hard to meet someone who is in the same exact time frame of life as you. When we were growing up it was like, "wow they're cute let's do this." Now there is a whole world of dating to try and see if your timing is anywhere on the same base.  They could be younger, they could be older, they could be exactly the same age, it doesn't really matter as long as you're both on the same page.

Honestly, it's difficult even staying friends with people you grew up with because none of us mature at the same rate. We are like branches on a trees, all stemming from the same place but growing in different directions. We might lean far away from each other and then end up intertwined, or we could stay side by side forever. I can't tell you how many friends I have lost just in the process of growing and it pains me sometimes to not know what they are doing now.

My best friends live all over the country so it's hard to stay in touch and even more challenging to still be able to relate to one another.
It's stressful. It's confusing trying to conceptualize these people I have known my whole life getting married, let alone me even being near that chapter in my life.

I'm just looking to find my first great love.

Or is it?

All in all, I don't think we should compare ourselves to each other anymore and where we are at in life. Because no one is right or wrong. Everyone is exactly where they should be. Even if you feel like shit about where you are- you are where you are supposed to be. You're probably just going through it and it sometimes hurts to grow.
If you end up getting a divorce or breaking up with someone you thought you were going to marry.... You can't regret it. That's what was supposed to happen. No, of course I do not know why, and maybe you will never know why but hopefully that gives you some piece of mind.

Jenna marbles once said, "Don't regret anything because you made the best possible decision you could in that given moment." How can you say shoulda, coulda, woulda? You were there and that is what happened. That's life my friends.

I can't help but think, "What are other people stressing about?" Like I can only truly relate to what I have or am going through. I constantly battle with "why haven't I found someone?" But maybe a girl in South Dakota right now who is my exact age is struggling with "Why the fuck did I get married and have two kids?" You can complain, that is your god given right, but you also have to be grateful.
I have possibility on the horizon for me and small regrets that I live with everyday. But pretty much I got it pretty good.

And truthfully... I don't really like humans that much which is why I think I am still single and deep down... I love just being with meeeeeeeeee
Dear God if someone took that away I don't know what I'd do. There is a small glimpse into my love life but that's not the whole thing so you're gonna have to tune in next week... or like next month....

Sooo... basically you know nothing that is going on in my love life right now and this blog post just turned into a tangent on marriage... Well, I can tell you this much, I don't regret this and I hope no matter what point you are in in your life this helped you in some shape or form.

Don't dwell and regret, just go onwards and upwards Yabbers.

If that doesn't work the song is Everybody's Free to Wear SunScreen by Baz Luhmann 
^click the link

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Getting Sober in Your 20s

So I missed Christmas 2016 with you all, I missed being able to write a new years blog, I've missed months of writing.

Now the only reason I am writing is because I am killing time at a coffee shop. When you're trying to waste time you really find out the things you need to get done...

Of course I have had things to write about, but honestly the truth is I have been sucked so far into the television I hardly use my laptop anymore unless I am on the move.

But writing a good blog takes concentration and time, both of which I have at the current moment luckily....

My friend was getting rid of his TV a couple of months ago and was literally like, "Do you want this? Just take it." It's massive, like the biggest TV I have ever personally owned and it has fully engulfed me into the world of netflix and reality television. I have ADD so having a massive TV in my room all to myself is really limiting to the rest of my work life. Like I have a necessary fidget cube in my hand right now.

But I guess- touching on New Years 2017- I will right now, this very second, make a resolution to turn off my TV for at least one day a week. Hopefully dedicating more time to my true passion, this blog. My friend also suggested dedicating 20 mins or a half hr to writing and then turning on the TV, which seems like it would work v well, so let's give that a whirl!

The thing about TV and movies is, although they are great and all, surprise surprise, they take you out of reality. And the thing about me and this blog is that this is much more than writing to me, this is one of the many ways I work things out in my life. I am grateful for all the views I get on my writing but it is honestly more cathartic for me. It's not only getting thoughts on to the page but it's also making them public knowledge so nothing is left in me to stir and stew.

So what's going on with me right now...

Welp by the time anyone reads this I will have 5 years of sobriety. Which really just makes me feel old. I kid, this is a huge accomplishment for me. I think my last real milestone with my recovery was 1 year and that was 4 years ago...


I was telling someone the other day, a lot of people have said to me, "Oh you are so lucky to have gotten sober so young."

Honestly, not really... I am lucky to have gone to my first AA meeting at 18 and given up drinking by 21? Umm no sir or mam that is not luck, that is survival. You don't hear about "young drunks" becoming "old drunks". You hear about them dying.

I am lucky enough to have had a white light moment where I could see clearly for about 2.5seconds and realized that yes I am an alcoholic, but also alcoholism would kill me if I didn't stop drinking.

And honestly, I don't care if I'm that girl who constantly is saying, "It's about life and death" because that's the reality of the situation.

If you have a coke problem and your super functional, all it takes is one bad night to LITERALLY KILL YOU. Same with heroin, molly, and fatal consumption amounts of alcohol.

I am eternally grateful that somewhere along the past five years my thinking changed from needing a drinking to learning how to survive without it. Because for me a glass of wine, or a craft brew is not worth a trip to a psych hospital for the third time, or worse.

But the reality of it is it's a lot easier to moderately drink through your 20s than be sober. I had to grow the fuck up starting at 21. I know 32 years who are not as emotionally mature as I had to be at 24. I had to learn how to skirt around "getting a drink" for a first date. I had to learn how to go on a date for the first time sober. I had to learn how to have two jobs and a ridiculous work week without having a drink on Friday or Saturday.
I am not one to sit at home so I had to learn how to go clubbing and to bars sober. I had to learn when and who to go out with that was safe for me. I learned to travel sober, like I went to Paris and had no champagne. I did have copious amount of meat and cheese to make up for it though.

I had to learn how important it was to actually tell people what was going on with me so I didn't want to kill myself daily, literally and figuratively. I have had my heart broken sober and I didn't drown my sorrows in booze. However, I have never drunk dialed an ex so we can count that as a benefit.

You're fucking 20s are hard enough as it is without not being able to have a drink.

and yes I know, I am only 26. So basically I have only been sober my early 20s but honestly, I don't plan on drinking anytime soon, which means I will probably be sober through my late 20s as well.

But don't get me wrong, there benefits to this life too, quite an abundance of them. At 20, I literally could not see a future for myself. All I was constantly looking to do was get to the next party, whenever wherever. Even if it was a month away, that is what I was looking forward to.

Now, at 26, I constantly am practically pinching myself and saying, "can you believe what your life has become." Even my hardest days sober are better than my worst days drinking.

Moving away from where I got sober and the friends I have made in this new life I have, had has been very fucking hard. I chose to do this. To leave my life and what was comfortable in order to push myself to grow, and as fun as this adventure has been it's been really fucking hard.

Over the past year I have felt incredibly existential so many time. My heart lies in Philly but I long for adventure. I expected to come to Colorado and absolutely love it here but honestly, that hasn't been the case at all. It's made me think so much about who I am and ultimately where my place is in this world. I could have stayed comfortable in Philly and never felt these feelings but I keep pushing myself to grow because that is what recovery is.

Shit has happened to me in the past few years that I honestly never thought I would be able to make it through sober. All of my reservations have been broken. A lot of people will tell you, "just because you get sober doesn't mean it gets easier..." I remember telling myself, "If my dog dies, I will probably have a drink." It was such a steadfast thought. And although having both my dogs die a couple months apart broke me down quite a bit, it didn't even cross my mind to have a drink.

Then when I decided to live with one of my oldest and best friends, and watched her eventually kill herself with drugs, I didn't pick anything up.

If anything these lessons I have learned without using have taught me how to survive and thrive, not broken me down.

I think a lot of people are like, "Oh it would be a fight or flight reaction and you don't know how you would act given the situation" I can honestly say my reaction to life is fight.
And if I get nothing out of being sober 5 years, I can honestly say I am fucking proud of that.

I am proud to be as my therapist puts it, "a badass" for being sober this long and learning to fucking fight through the shit.

Recovery is a battle and you are fighting for your life everyday.

The end of that saying is, "just because you get sober doesn't mean it gets easier... but it does get better". And that I fucking know is true.

I have met some of the most incredible people throughout my recovery and formed incredibly deep relationships. Including meeting my best friend Sam. I don't think I will ever truly connect with another human as strongly as I have with her and I am so lucky to have met her on this road.

So yes, getting sober is your 20s is not fucking easy, but it's definitely been worth it.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

The 8 Rules of Dating: How to avoid a Fuck Boy.

A few short years ago I had never been on a date. Then I made a decision to step into the world of dating.

In short, I made the worst decision of my life. Lol jk. However, I have learned and created some important rules that I follow when it comes to dating.
I made a list of dating rules and advice from my friends over a year ago.

No really you should learn from my mistakes... 

But as we get older we, hopefully, get wiser and with that comes more advice. This is your revised dating rules.
Since you all love my relationship posts, hopefully this will be a hit for you.
Reading over that past post I wrote it is interesting to see how different my head space was before I knew the harsh cruel reality that the dating world really is.

And honestly, in 2016 it's a whole new game. It's hard to get advice from our parents because their playing field was really different. Even a couple of years ago tinder was NOT what it is now. It's an ever changing landscape at this point. And honestly, it's exhausting. Like eye roll exhaustion...

 I am not as bright eyed as bushy tailed as I was when I was like, "Yeah let's try out dating!" Now, as I cruise through bumble most of myself talk is, "You look like an asshole/fuck boy...annd it's a match. You will never commit, you will commit but you're profile picture with your mom is fucking weird...."
I have become a cold hearted bitch when it comes to dating but like any masochist I still do it. And yes of course it's still fun at some points.
No, but on the real, as a strong independent woman, this is all just fun!
Don't put a man in front of yourself and your dreams and goals honey. Go out there and make woman history, men will come and go, but you are beautiful and will do great things on your own no matter what.

With that being said, these are my rules, feel free to adapt at your own leisure-

I know you're excited. 
(disclaimer: if you don't agree with my list of rules I am totally not offended and I don't care. Whatever works for you works. This is not elite daily where I am trying to convince you I am completely right when I am totally off base. This is a completely biased post *news flash: the whole blog is* but if you don't agree feel free to utilize the internet to give your advice. This is simply what has worked for me.)

Rule 1.
Don't prioritize the boy. Having done time after time, I have finally learned my lesson. HELLO GAB?! OBVI. Boy or not, whatever you put before yourself, you lose first.
Unless he is literally Prince Charming and has cordially invited you to the ball, there is a slight probability of a chance he will bail. In whatever sense of the word, ie. had something else planned the same time, forgot you had makeshift plans, schedule something else he finds more important, never text you again, or just straight up cancels.
I don't care if you are Meghan Fox, if you are deep in the dating world there will be times you will get cancelled on. So make plans with yourself first and don't be afraid to say "no I'm busy."

2. And you know what, you don't have to be so readily available. If a guy ask you to go out and you have something say, "sorry I have plans, maybe a different day?" That's actually a rule. Don't say yes to the first time he asks you out. You don't have to say no, but like bonus point if you do.
Seriously, no matter how badly you'd like to say yes to his offer to go out for a drink/date the first time he asks, you always play the busy card- but you, "would LOVE to get together next week!"
He needs to view the life you lead as exciting and busy. You don't want to be the girl that waits all day at home waiting for his call- ew, seriously don't even do that IRL.

2. don't make it more dramatic or built up in your head than it needs to be.
If he cancels or you never hear from him again? Screw him. There's like 6 dating apps you could potentially pull together a date for tomorrow from. He's not worth worrying about and clearly it wasn't meant to be. And to be honest it's good you find out before getting emotionally attached.

and to add to that...

3. Don't be needy out of the gate. If he- within reason- needs to reschedule, don't let it seem like it bothers you. If you're one of those girls who's like "I show my crazy from day 1..." I wish you well my friend- but I have tried that cars and it doesn't work for me. Just try to pretend your a little chill, even if you have no chill.

Even if you already have your blow out, your nails done and your peach waxed. Make other plans with your friends and say "no worries!" And fucking mean it.
There is nothing worse than seeming like a stuck up bitch from the gecko.

Speaking of waxed peaches...

4. Ladies- it's so true. Pussy is power.
The longer you can hold out, the longer they are kept around! It's that simple. Biologically, since the cave men days, men are the hunters. Don't let them get it right away or they have nothing to chase.
But like if you're not trying to have him stick around and you need to get laid, do it- and quite frankly then you don't have to hear from him again. We have needs too, fucking duh.
Speaking of sex..

5. So if you're reading this and you're like "Omg Gab this is so not politically correct, it's 2016 women and men have equal rights!" again, fucking duh. But I am just giving you MY dating rules, ok dude? so chill.
I will say this however-- when a woman has sex she has legit chemicals that are released into her brain that make her like super emotionally attached to the guy. Don't believe me fucking read this shit. Men on the other hand are fucking pigs.

6. Ok last thing. Stroke his goddamn ego. *This is the hardest one for me considering I hate most men* But compliment him until you want to gag, without being annoying-- thin line. And if you are on a date, even though he will try to be inquisitive; ask all the questions you can. Because it A. makes you seem hella interested in him and B. like legitimately takes your lust and wonder out of the situation to realize if this is a normal human worthy of any more of your time.

7. Ew and I guess I should include this,
Beeee niiicee Gabbb. It's hard for me to be nice on a daily basis let alone a date.

But like this is my biggest flaw and where I need to learn to soften up, hopefully living in Colorado will teach me the skill of not being an uptight bitch with the sass of an over grown cougar, but only time will tell.

8. Positive things happen to positive people, and positive energy attracts other positive energy, just like water seeks it's own level. When you look at a glass of water, half of the water is not at the bottom and the other half is at the top- it's all in the same spot. Whether the glass is half full or empty- it's all fucking relative. 
It's the law of attraction and something I have been aware of forever but am just starting to truly understand. If I am an asshole all the time and a fucking Debbie Downer, trying to pull people down (which I tend to be sometimes) positive people are naturally repelled by me because they don't want to be weighed down by me. Thus never inviting a positive male into my life up until this point. So positive vibes y'all (even though it's fuckin kill me) 

Well that's it. 8 simple rules for dating my 20something self. 
I have had quite an odd mix of dating experiences. And at the beginning of this post I said that entering the dating world has been the worst decision of my life- y'all I was totally kidding. Dating has been a fucking blast. 

There is this moment before I go on dates where I am so nervous I feel like I am going to die (because I have extreme anxiety) but it is in this moment I feel so fucking alive. I can't worry about anything else except what is about to happen in the next couple of seconds and it does literally feel like I can not take anything else but then you know what? I meet the guy and I just have a date, the anxiety subsides and I am back on my two feet. 

We can't run from these moments or suppress them with technology. I am so happy to be living the life I live and quite, frankly, single and ready to mingle! 

But I will say, we live in a generation where fuccbois run ramped and we can't let white rich males take over everything, including our love lives. Literally though, spot a fuck boy say no boy bai. Not worth any bit of your time.

Just remember you are a  kween and should be treated as such.

And if anyone fucks with you just walk away. The world is your oyster 20something females so go and get yours

And remember never fall in love at the Jersey Shore.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Not Him 2016.

One day my children will ask me where I was and what I was doing on this day...

I was watching CNN and slowly panicking, kids.
Yesterday, I wrote "I don't know what the future holds for me" today I write the same thing in a more dire status.

I am frightened. I am astonished. I am outraged.
"one of the most stunning upsets in America's history"

I have listened and watch CNN for the past several hours as numbers roll across the screen determining the future of america.

I sit here now with a prayer candle lit and a crystal beside me hoping that this election is not over. It is 12:13 MT and the election is still up in the air but it is in favor of Donald Trump, there is no doubt about that.

I haven't recently had much to write about, I also stated in my previous post, but right now my fingers are typing faster than my thoughts are going.

I refuse to live in a world where Donald Trump is president of the United States. I am a 26 year old white female, who works two jobs and still lives at the poverty level because I am a full time volunteer making a government stipend.

I don't just talk about politics because it is fun lively conversation. I sit face to face with America's poverty every day and the people who work so hard to alleviate it. For the past three years this is what I have dedicated my life to... Making America great again. I believe Donald Trump does nothing to make America great and I honestly think he embodies everything that is currently wrong with this country. He talks about how rich greed has taken over the white house, but he is white privilege. He is a two faced bully.  He has no political experience whatsoever.

I am so tired of people weighing in on politics who in their day to day lives don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Or the people who went and helped out one time in Africa so they care about things and are a good person....

Like I said, I'm a 26 year old white woman. I don't have much to fear with the outcome of this election. I don't worry about getting shot, or deported, or having a wall built that blocks me from my family. I do have to worry about men thinking it is ok to degrade women and thinking it's not a big enough deal to not get you elected to president. I am 26 years old and I thought I might get to see the first female president. Now I have to fear being a female which has already caused me so many insecurities that many men will never know or understand. And now my right to choose what happens with my body may get taken away from me to, so I have that to fear as well.

It takes years of hard work to build anything, let alone an empire, but it takes two seconds to knock something down. I have spent 4 and a half years working on not taking a drink of alcohol and one shot of vodka would ruin all of that. Donal Trump is recovery's one shot of vodka.

I don't want this for the children of tomorrow. I don't want this for my god daughter, the girls I babysit, my little cousins, the children at my schools.

It's not fucking funny and it's really serious.
BBC News just said, "Welcome to the Twilight zone."

So what's next, we get Mexico to build a wall?

If I am as upset about this as a white female who comes from an upper middle class white family... I can't imagine how the people feel that are deeply affected by this.

I refuse to accept this person as my president. He is everything I am against. I hope I am not alone in my passion for not allowing this person to destroy this great nation.

America I do dabble in tarot cards but let me tell you, I don't need a fucking crystal ball to tell you that shit is about to hit the fucking fan. And honestly, at this point I am ready to go. Per my experience white middle school boys I am really good at discipling and yelling, so if I need to back hand some fellow Americans I accept the challenge.