Hopefully I can redeem myself in the next few weeks by explaining myself. In the words of DJ Khaled, "I'm up to something."
Well, here I am.
Laying in my bed on my computer listening to the spring awakening soundtrack at 2am on a Wednesday. I wish I could capture this freedom and blissfulness of right now and store it in a jar for the anxiety and stress that inevitably will engulf me in the next couple of months... Treasure the good days yabbers because they are far and few and you are lucky to have any at all.
I keep saying oh I have no time to write. I'm so busy..." but the reality of the situation is I literally stay up until about 4am every night fucking around. Like I get done my day by 11pm the latest. So that's like at least 5hrs of fuckery. Instead of just wasting the next two hours on snapchat uploading videos of me as a bee or small woodlen creature in a high pitch voice, I will try to catch you up...
But like it's hard to write when it's forced. Usually it just flows because I have something going on but right now I just have time I'm trying to fill.
Ok here's what the fuck is happening with me: I'm going through a huge break up.
It’s not like most of my break ups where it ends all messy and impulsive where I basically just say, “fuck you I hate you.” It’s much more drawn out and slow. And the other unique thing is, I’m like really in love. It came on unexpected. I didn’t realize it had happen until I decided to leave. I fell really hard. I don’t think I realized it but I was in love for a while. Like most things, I am hoping that if I truly am in love I will be able to come back. You know, “if you love something set it free and see if it returns.”
I am in love with Philadelphia. With northern liberties, fishtown, old city, society hill, washington square, south philly, grad ho, south street, center city… you can keep west philly, but everything else I am not happy about leaving. I don’t want to not have 24/7 access to good cheesesteaks. Do other cities have pizza slices the size of my head? Because I know where to get that at multiple places. My thrift shops, my crystal shops, book shops, brunch spots. Bike lanes, best friends and work friends. I know what bars to go to when, what meetings to bike to every single day. I know how to bike to any part of the city and I know how long it will take. Philly I know sometimes when I'm walking I get a random poop/sewage smell from you but it just makes you feel more alive, like those are just your farts. Everybody farts and we still love them. I will miss the weirdness of Philly because it's different then other "weird cities". Portland, OR is weird like purple hair and pretentious hipsters... Ya, ya, we have that too. Philly is weird like- there is this man, who I can't figure out if he's homeless or not, and he has two little yorkies he walks around with constantly. AND he always is wearing this jean jacket that has the two dogs on it. It's like a magical jean jacket, my words won't do it justice. But I constantly run into this man. I haven't run into my ex a quarter of the times I have ran into this strange homeless? Not homeless? Dog dude.
I’m really scared I will leave and not want to come back.
I'm leaving to move to Colorado in less than two weeks. Part of me feels like I can't believe it's so soon and part of me feels like everyone is constantly talking about me moving so I might as well just have done it already. Someone at a meeting the other day said to me, "Gab are you actually moving to Colorado?" Like fuck you, yes. I just talk about my feelings a lot and I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS and I'm going through a break up.
I don't have to do this. I can be like Kelly Anne in Roadies and not get in the taxi to the airport. But I have to do this, if nothing else than for myself. I have to prove to myself that I have seen the world before coming home. I will end up married at 30 to some guy I don't love stuck in a city I will then hate, if I never leave Philly. I will end up bitter and resentful. So I will risk the short term heartache versus the longterm endless suffering.
I saw a psychic the other day and she told me basically that I should definitely do this Colorado thing but I was going to experience a lot of feelings I hadn't in a long time like loneliness and homesickness.
I guess this post is going to be a saga more than a blurb.
This was the most insane weekend of my life.
Like I have had weekends that have been a lot but this has definitely been on for the books. I experienced every emotion out there. I kissed this city, Philadelphia, good bye- fat on the lips. I had a weekend of love, passion, sadness, pain, happiness, coming and going.
There were like a lot, a lot of tears and it was the definition of bitter sweet. Some things, as much as I wish you could, you just can't capture on paper. Some moments just live in space and time. You don't always get a souvenir but you are left with life changing experiences and memories. Some moments are just... moments.
There is one thing I do have to explain because in retrospect it was incredible. So last night I had a bunch of friends meet me out to dance. I didn't want to do dinner or brunch, I just wanted to dance the night away with the people I love. Today, July 31st, is Samantha Devers birthday, and one year ago she passed away. Well last night after midnight, I found myself surrounded by all these people I rarely see. All of them had know or met Sam at least once and it was weird because they aren't all connected. So to explain, I know Sam from summer camp... like years ago when we were just babies. And all of these people, knew her then too. I don't think anyone else knew that it was her birthday or practically the anniversary of her death but they did all know her. It was so amazing and beautiful to get to be with these people who knew her. It was truly like she was there.
A day doesn't go by I don't think of Sam. I have needed her this year and I know she is with me constantly. I wish I could have known her better and longer and gotten to grow old with her. But she is frozen in time as a beautiful young angel.
I need so much strength to get through this Philadelphia break up and I am so blessed to know my angels are with me. (It is also the anniversary of my Aunt Dana's death which is weird it's the same day....)
Sometimes I just feel like my life isn't real. Like why do I get to live this incredible life? All the snap chats and instagram posts out there can't compete with the life I have and continue to build for myself.
I am grateful for the tears I saw and experienced this weekend because it's amazing to see how much people love me and how deeply I impact people.
A lot of my life I was just floating... I was just existing, not living. When I decided to get sober I thought my life was ending. I distinctively remember thinking that I was done experiencing life and I was just going to be sad and depressed forever. It actually turned out to be the complete and utter opposite. In the past four years my life has turned into something amazingly beautiful. I am so proud of myself. I have experienced more pain then I thought imaginable but through that I have blossomed into an adult. I have experienced every aspect of life more fully than I ever did before. There isn't anything I can't do without a drink and there are now things I can do that I couldn't even do wasted. I am excited and scared for this journey ahead. I know Philly will be here when I want to come back and I know the bonds I have with my friends will last a life time.
Sam did teach me to live my life fully. That the days are short and the years are shorter. I know I have so much to give and so much to live for.
I love you all so much and no matter where I go I will take you with me. I love you all so much. I quoted this early to Samantha, because I love her so much, but it really works with all my seamless friendships-
"Life is tough, friendship should be easy." -Teresa Giudice