I don't even know what I want to talk about. I've had moments where I've wanted to post posts but
I've just been... well, really busy.
Which is good. Like really good.
So this next blog post, was written a couple weeks ago, combined with a post written a couple days before. It's a compilation piece, which happens- when you are busy.
Three years ago, I never thought I would be where I am now. And you can literally read that if you go back in time through this blog.
I remember, when I decided to get sober, thinking my best years were behind me. I don't know what I thought was ahead of me... I wasn't very optimistic. In my eyes, my future looked bleak.
I could not imagine what was in store for me- as they say in AA, "life beyond your wildest dreams."
I would not be the person I am today without the people in my life. Some of them have come and gone, the ones who've been here the longest mean the most, and the people who continue to enter, keep making me a more whole and confident person.
I've been very reflective of that recently. Just truly amazed with myself and the life I have.
And to be honest with you, a lot of people don't understand what I'm talking about, because they've only seen me successful.
I'm not a mess anymore and people can't even picture what that looked like. Which is so bizarre to me. Because, let's be real, I will always be a mess. Now, I'm like a composed mess. Like a nice big messy bun (much like the ones I sport everyday) but not a bad bun- no a very good bun.
There are good buns and bad buns in life, and I these days am a good bun.
I guess I'm feeling a little reflective because last week, I had 3 years. Each year has felt, shorter and longer than the last. It feels like I have more time but less time at the same time.
Although I am a strong, more mature, sober woman I am still...
I can today, say I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming.
I wrote this a few weeks earlier and I will share it with you now:
"I'm in a business where you can't get knocked down. I've written about pushing and pushing and in my line of work you've gotta fucking push. I'm sorry if you're tired of reading about that. But it's what I deal with daily so why don't you fucking push yourself to continue reading...You can fall, sure there will be days when you fall flat out on your face.
But you can't take it like a bitch. You gotta get the fuck up and give them the one, two knock out punch.Make them wonder why you're still smiling, is a favorite motto of mine.And maybe this isn't my line of work, maybe it's the path of life.Maybe my work is metaphorical for life. Am I really going to let a class of seventh grade boys push me around? Or am I going to show them that I'm not a boss...but the boss.I've let work, life, people, push me down and make me cry too many time in my life. And I'm #overit. That doesn't mean I'm not gonna break down and cry for a second every now and again, but that will not be a constant. It can be a variable but certainly not the goddamn constant.My life has been a little all over the place because I've been a little all over the place the last couple of days, in and out of the city. But I am finally on my way home to my apartment to settle down- and if you coudln't tell, I had a rough day. But you know what? I'm going for a run and heading to a meeting. So yeah, go ahead life. Try to kick me in the ass, because I'm going to kick you right back"
And you know what? I ran 2.5 miles in 30 minutes. I went to the meeting, put my hand up and shared about my shitty day, and now I'm moving forward.
These kids that I'm working with are real shits sometimes. But they come from a shitty hand dealt to them. They don't deserve what they have, they deserve better. They deserve a good education, at the very least. And I am in the school I am in to help them as much as I can.
I believe in them. They are not bad people. Actions speak louder than words. And I can work to change their attitudes and get them on a path where they can get a better deck of cards.
I can't give up because, sometimes, I'm all they've got.
I hope this helps you, whoever you are ,to give it- whatever it is- an extra go.
Don't take it like a bitch- give it the one, two.