Monday, January 18, 2016

The Degrees of Single

Warning: Please read this blog in it's entirety because it was written over the course of a week so emotions flip-flop 

Everything in life has varying degrees.

To bake chicken in the oven it's usually 350. However, sometimes it's 400.
Things vary.

Being single varies.

There's like-

"I'm single but I have things cooking in the oven."
When you're single and have a prospect or two but you're just not sure about them.
Or maybe you have your eye on some person and you're in the process of capturing them. Like a carnivorous dinosaur hunting eggs.

There's "I'm single but things are starting coming to boil."
When you're single and going on lots of dates. Very similar to the above option but it's a little different.

There's "Ew. Get away from me." Single. When the thought of another human being in your life disgusts you and you just want to be left the fuck alone.  

There's "I'm single-ish"
When you have an almost-boyfriend/girlfriend but it's not on lock. No deal has been made.

Then there's, "No. I'm single."
When you're really not single but the either you or the person you're in a relationship with won't put a label on it.

And there's "Yas bitch I'm siiiiiiiiiiingle." Where you are a hot mess and you have as much sex as possible and you just flit about life as happy as possible. No slut shaming here, you do your thang. 

And then there's, "I'm so fucking single and I have exasperated every single option out there and I don't know where I will ever meet someone and I will die forever alone."
This is when you get to the point in your single status where you have tried dating, hooked up with a boy you grew up with and practically told them you loved them to absolutely no avail, tried every dating app, and have basically given up on life.

Idk I would say at this point I'm like maybe, sort of.... Definitely the last possibility. Yes, that is me.

But the kicker- the real piece of shit in my pot on the stove, is that I haven't given up.
Because supposedly that is what you have to do.
You have to stop looking.

I currently have four dating apps on my phone. And like go ahead and say pssssh but like fuck you for judging me. It's 2015 2016.
And it just always feel likes maybe, just maybe one more swipe... and there will be the man of my dreams.
But like I'm over it at this point.
but now, in this day and age that is like the norm! People just keep searching through apps and the internet for a man/woman instead of looking up from their computer screen and saying hello to someone on the street.

I just can not. I can't do it anymore.

Someone please tell me, was this based on a book? Because I need a copy, like yesterday.

I think I'm doing this all wrong.

Dating/men have become an outlet for me. I don't want to focus on my life right now. I'm trying as hard as possible to look the fuck away from the car crash that is my life so I don't get run off the road again while looking over my shoulder.

I think it is definitely quite possible I am dealing with some PTSD from 2015.
Too much has happened. I have a dream almost every night of me crying hysterically over my dog Bevin. I cried at Christmas when I got her plaster paw print. I have never cried at Christmas. -_-
And sometimes I just want to freak the fuck out.
I want to flip a table.

Then I calm myself down a little, hit a meeting, get some crystals and realize that, yet again, my life is pretty great.

I am at my core a twisted, tortured artist.
Unfortunately, I know the things I need to do to keep my emotions at bay... And not freak out about my single status. Do I practice them daily? No. Definitely not.

I seriously wonder to myself if it is just me who is constantly asking, "what the fuck am I doing with my life?" or if ever 20something is asking the same question?

I deleted all the dating apps from my phone last week. And you know what? I think I have finally achieved my goal of giving up.
It's not that I don't care.
I just have realized I have so much more to focus on than wasting time swiping through my phone.

It's all about having faith and being happy with yourself.
The law of attraction.

Part of my make up, is that I feel more deeply than most.
Not like when I stub my toe, that I feel just as much as the next person.
But like emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

Usually when I start a blog post, I feel very differently by the conclusion, and truly... That's why I write.
To clear my head.
And to say all of the things no one else will say.
You know what, despite my quarter-life monthly crisis I'm doing alright.

2016, thus far, has been smooth sailing.

I have good feelings about this year and the future, come what may...

To bake a cake take time, skill, patience and of course the right temperature. 

Friday, January 1, 2016

Is It Too Late Now To Say Sorry?

I just want to clarify something-

I think in my last blog post I got a little carried away with my inner bust a rhyme and roasted a little too hard.

Let me just say this, because it's been bothering me-
The men of 2015, in my life, were not at all horrible. They were fine, totally nice. But like to be honest, none of them gave a fuck about me, which is fine because it just wasn't meant to be. I'm ok with that. I'm not like upset or bitter about anything that happened with anyone in 2015- which is a positive about 2015.

I have no regrets and no grudges, just none of it seemed to work out. Which of course is disappointing because aren't we all just really searching for love?
I mean like go ahead and say you're not... but I won't believe you.

I wanted to just lightly touch on the subject of the men in my life in my last blog post but I didn't really feel up for any serious exposés. Of course then it just turned into slander... And what could be interpreted as passive aggression, which of course, was not what I meant.

You know, just because you read the same words as someone else or even that someone else wrote, doesn't mean you will grasp the same thing.
Which, can be difficult for us writers.

So I just want to right any wrongs before I in turn get slandered or called the Bitch with the Blog (which is a title I'm sure I already hold to some people).

So let me start 2016 off with an excuse me instead of a fuck you. 

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall... Why was 2015 the Worst of Them All?

 As one of my new years resolutions is mediation (refer to above blog, final paragraph, resolution #4), I might as well start now.
And truly, how could we ring in a new year without a reflection?

So, in a nut shell- 2015 was probably the worst year of my life.

In January I was in mourning from a relationship that ended at the tail end of 2014 and on that note I had a series of pseudo-relationships that were all incredibly… bizarre… Just nothing good with men came from 2015, at all. Period. And I was finally just like... a lot of this could be us but you playin.
I don't fuck with you. Any of you. You little dumbass bitches. I got a million trillion other things I'd rather do. Look-

I lost my dog, Jasper, in early spring. I said goodbye, abruptly, to my old roommate and one of my oldest and best friends, Samantha, mid summer. And finally, had to put my old lady, Bevin, to rest in early fall.

Dear God, it is amazing I am not in a mental hospital with all the shit that has happened this year.
But sometimes I really did feel like I couldn't feel my face.

Of course there were upsides… A key point was that Sophia Paige Sullivan was brought into this world by Samantha Morgan. Definitely the highlight and shining beam of 2015.

But I also,
 got to escape to New York City, more times than I can count, hey what's up hello? I had a plethora of brunches with my mother and without, Ran my first 5k, Celebrated 3 years sober on the day, walked for peace with my family, became the worlds greatest nanny (to a child that I love), graduated city year Philadelphia in may, made a number of friends along the way, reconnected with friends of old,
became ronda rousey- which was quite bold, started a new job and got a new place, worked really hard on my program and found grace. So much happened, it’s hard to recount- thank you yabbers for making me take count.

And I didn't have to say to my friends, "Where are you now?" Because they were there the whole time.

Baby girls you're so damn fine though

players gonna play, play, play
just shake it off. 

I know my lifestyle is driving you crazy. 

All we need is somebody to lean on

No place I'd rather be.

I really, really like you. 
All of you. 
I don't like you- I love you.

Basically my life was changed, and honestly it was for the better.
It’s amazing what a reflection can do...
People have said to me so many times, “you’re going to be strong when all of this is over.” And I have wanted to say, “shut up and just make it all over.”
At least, I'm being honest.

But now as I sit poolside in Florida, reflecting on my life during 2015, I'm not thinking, “eh it wasn’t that bad,” I’m thinking, “I made it through it and now it’s over.”

I have never been more happy to ring in a new year, that is most definitely true.

I know, I know, all you read this blog for is my relationship shit. You want to hear me blast the men that are in my life.
This is not super relevant, but at the same time it is BECAUSE I WILL TIE IT ALL TOGETHER,
2015 was just like a flop.
There were a number of time people came into my life and I thought something was going to happen,and then
It just wasn’t exciting. IS IT TO LATE NOW TO SAY IM SORRY YABBERS? but really- I can just sum it all up with the word,
And for 2016, I’m of course looking for the word, pop.
I aint got no type, bad bitches is the only thing I like,
but like male bad bitches- means... bad. bitches. doesn't translate well.
"What do you mean? Yab?" oh Sorry. Please, please don't make the hotline bling. BYE.
Hope I didn't just sew myself Stitches, am I right Shawn Mendes?

But more so I’m looking at the word,
Like at this point, IDGAF (2011 reference). Too many people tryna drain me of my energy.... You're not getting the code to this Wifi.

I’m having fun alone on my adventures.
Sam's got the idea
I have hope and I have faith, that this year will be good. I won't be Jealous of last year, I ain't no Nick J.
I don’t know the future but I know I will get through whatever comes my way.
Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen... take me to church
And onwards and upwards we go, to 2016. 
Buh-Bye, 2015.
Now get out there, shut up, and dance. Whip, nae nae, whip, whip, nae nae

Ps- did you catch Dj Yab's 2k15 music references